Environment

Dog carefully plans most awkward place to lie

A LABRADOR is carefully plotting the sleeping spot that will cause maximum annoyance.

Christmas f**king with bin day again

CHRISTMAS is once again messing up important occasions like bin day for no good reason, millions of Britons have complained.

Blood rain turns you goth, Met Office warns

THE Met Office has warned that anyone exposed to today's 'blood rain' will turn into a goth.

Climate change sceptic is fine with all other science

A DIEHARD global warming sceptic is happy to believe in all the other types of science, it has emerged.

South East introduces hosepipe ban

EMERGENCY water conservation measures are being implemented in the South East just to show Northerners how much better it is down there.

Britain to think about strengthening flood defences if it rains again next year

BRITAIN might think about constructing proper flood defences, but only if the country is somehow flooded again next year.

Forth Bridge pissed

THE Forth Road Bridge has been closed after engineers discovered it was well over the safe alcohol limit, it has emerged.

Rat feeling pressure to become super rat

A RAT has been left depressed by reports of so-called ‘super rats’.

Humans to save planet by buying things with ‘eco’ in the name

CLIMATE change can be stopped by purchasing goods that say ‘eco’ on the packaging, it has been claimed.

Massive cat responds to shooing with icy glare

A HUGE cat has responded to attempts to evict it from a garden with cold indifference.

Dad presses fog lights button as if deploying spy weapon

A 45-YEAR-OLD man has turned on his fog lights in the manner of a spy firing an under-bonnet machine gun.

Cat will eat rat but not cheaper catfood

A CAT has refused to eat a slightly cheaper brand of catfood, despite having recently eaten a rat.