Environment

Cameron reluctantly pulls on wellies and prepares to wank out some fake sympathy

THE prime minister has grudgingly agreed to visit flood victims for one final time, it has emerged.

Wales not sure how it could be more prepared for rain

RESIDENTS of Wales are not particularly alarmed at the prospect of heavy rain, it has emerged.

Snowfall in unimportant 70 per cent of country may hit London, forecasters warn

THE snow which has hit Scotland, the North and parts of the Midlands could affect areas that matter, forecasters have warned.

Coldness confirmed during neighbour climate summit

NEIGHBOURS have confirmed the recent drop in temperature during a top level over-the-fence meeting.

Bronze Age village was furious about Iron Age migrants

THE residents of a Bronze Age village were bitterly opposed to Iron Age migrants from Europe, archaeologists have found.

Britain demands hibernation scheme

BRITAIN has demanded the right to sleep through the winter like a hedgehog.

Cat confident owners are going to love this bird

A CAT is certain that its owners will appreciate having a mauled bird brought into their house.

Dog carefully plans most awkward place to lie

A LABRADOR is carefully plotting the sleeping spot that will cause maximum annoyance.

Christmas f**king with bin day again

CHRISTMAS is once again messing up important occasions like bin day for no good reason, millions of Britons have complained.

Blood rain turns you goth, Met Office warns

THE Met Office has warned that anyone exposed to today's 'blood rain' will turn into a goth.

Climate change sceptic is fine with all other science

A DIEHARD global warming sceptic is happy to believe in all the other types of science, it has emerged.

South East introduces hosepipe ban

EMERGENCY water conservation measures are being implemented in the South East just to show Northerners how much better it is down there.