THE north of England and Scotland are only getting snow because they have done something terrible to deserve it, southerners believe.
A SHOPPER who brought a bag from home expects to be treated like a hero.
FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.
A WOMAN has launched a campaign to ban microbeads as soon as she has finished a particularly expensive bottle of shower gel.
BRITAIN is enjoying the wonderful springtime sound of birds singing at each other to f**k off out of it.
SCIENTISTS have discovered a python of below average length that makes up for it by cracking jokes.
THE UK’s baffled dogs have demanded to know what farts are, it has emerged.
A CAT has become the first of his species to actively like a human being.
THE arrival of spring has left Britain’s flowers feeling miserable about returning to work, they have revealed.
BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.
AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.
BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.