Environment

Scotland arms grouse

THE SNP is to provide all grouse with sidearms and training before the start of shooting season.

Humanity to keep tweeting positive slogans until point of extinction

HUMANS will continue posting upbeat sayings on social media until the very last person dies, it has emerged.

Pollen told to f**k off

EXTREMELY high pollen readings across the UK today will correspond with pollen being sworn at and blamed for everything.

London hedgehogs survive by being bastards

HEDGEHOGS in London have survived by emulating the rude, pushy behaviour of their human counterparts.

Things that live in the sea found off British coast

BRITAIN’S coastal waters are being invaded by sea-dwelling creatures.

Kent emotionally devastated by earthquake

KENT residents have said they may never trust the earth again after being hit by a 4.2 magnitude earthquake.

Urban foxes making annoyingly specific food demands

HOUSEHOLDERS have been warned against feeding urban foxes as the animals are fussy and claim to have intolerances.

Thrilled 'Nessie' hunters eaten by gigantic lizard

FIVE 'Nessie hunters' have been killed and eaten after a thrilling encounter with a giant aquatic lizard.

Britain basks in weather that is slightly too cold to bask in

MILLIONS of people are spending time outside where they have pretended not to be slightly cold.

Cats admit perverse love of heat

CAT are incredibly keen on high temperatures despite having thick pelts, it has emerged.

London no longer just a metaphorical desert

A RAIN of sand from the Sahara has finally made London the desert that it always was in spirit, it has been confirmed.

Everyone a winner in Holborn fire

A LONDON fire has been hailed as a hero after thousands got the afternoon off work and Mamma Mia! was cancelled.