NORTH Yorkshire is to be set on fire so the rest of the UK can have a hot bath.
A CAT has announced plans to continue sitting in the front window of a house, watching over everything like Stalin in communist Russia.
A DOG has confirmed that he is ready to take his growing relationship with a cushion to a more physical level.
A HUGE fly has announced plans to fly into living rooms in a fast and confused fashion before desperately trying to find his way out again.
A BIRD is sceptical that a flimsy construction of twigs and mud is suitable to live in, he has admitted.
EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.
THE north of England and Scotland are only getting snow because they have done something terrible to deserve it, southerners believe.
A SHOPPER who brought a bag from home expects to be treated like a hero.
FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.
A WOMAN has launched a campaign to ban microbeads as soon as she has finished a particularly expensive bottle of shower gel.
BRITAIN is enjoying the wonderful springtime sound of birds singing at each other to f**k off out of it.
SCIENTISTS have discovered a python of below average length that makes up for it by cracking jokes.