Cat announces plans to shit all over everyone's gardens this weekend

A CAT has confirmed that it will do its utmost to shit exactly where you plan to tread in your front and back garden.

Foxes waiting til you start to drift off before starting all-night f**kfest

FOXES in your area have announced that one of the longest and loudest all-night orgies on record will begin the moment you try to get to sleep.

Greta Thunberg's class had no idea she was gone

GRETA Thunberg has returned to school to find neither her teacher or any of her classmates noticed she was gone.

Five ways your parents are being a pain in the arse during the heatwave

THE unusually hot weather is providing your parents with many exciting new ways to pester you. Here is some of their worst nonsense.

Eight things to do when your holiday cottage is hit by a massive storm

HAS your lovely holiday weather been brought to an end by a huge storm? Here’s eight things to do until it’s over.

Britain warned to expect month's worth of rain chat in two hours

EXPERTS have warned Britain to prepare for intense periods of mindless chatter about the weather when the heatwave breaks.

Static caravan becomes roasting tin

A STATIC caravan on the Isle of Wight has become a roasting tin capable of cooking a family of four in one hour 40 minutes, they have confirmed. 

The holiday you were meant to be on this summer vs the one you're actually having

YOU had a fortnight in Italy booked. You’re spending a week on a campsite in Filey. Here’s how your 2020 plans and reality compare.

Feral sourdough starters spotted on moors

ABANDONED and unwanted sourdough starters are attacking sheep on remote moorland, farmers have warned.

Forget littering: Five other ways to ruin beauty spots for others

AFTER the angry reaction to litter in our nation’s parks and on its beaches, you might be looking for new ways to ruin Britain’s beauty spots. Here are some suggestions.

Greta Thunberg to open ice cream van where all the ice creams have already melted

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigner Greta Thunberg is to spend summer touring Europe in an ice cream van ladling warm cream into your cupped hands for £7.

Five moronic things to say every time there's a heatwave

A HEATWAVE in Britain guarantees inane conversations about the weather. Here are some things to say to help you join in.