Environment

Man who added 'w/air-con' to Tinder bio cleaning up

A BACHELOR who added ‘w/air-con’ to his Tinder bio has never had so much sex, he has confirmed.

Woman who makes huge f**king deal about plastic straws always flying everywhere

A WOMAN who will not stop informing people she does not use plastic straws is about to go on her third foreign holiday this year.

Britain braced for 'shit tattoo-wave'

THE continuing heatwave will be forcing Britons to look at shit tattoos for the rest of the week and into the weekend.

Everyone secretly wishing they were watching telly with the curtains shut

PEOPLE pretending to enjoy the sun by playing Frisbee and having barbecues would much rather be indoors watching Poldark, it has emerged.

Dog devastated to learn man's best friend actually someone called Martin

A DOG’S feelings have been crushed after discovering that his owner’s best friend is actually a man named Martin.

Man horrified to discover walk 'not to pub'

A MAN who agreed to go on a country walk was shocked to discover it did not involve a pub, he has revealed.

Middle class couple forced to make 'Sophie's choice' between wood burner and SUV

A MIDDLE CLASS couple are making an agonising decision about whether to continue poisoning the air with their stove or their massive vehicle.

Stupid arse fly can't get out of wide-open patio door

A FLY is somehow trapped in the living room of a house despite being guided towards an open patio door.

Another glorious sunny f**king Monday

THE UK has woken up to yet another glorious, sunny, complete waste of decent weather because it is a Monday. 

Spider leaving your shit house to move up property ladder

THE spider who lives in your house is moving somewhere nicer, he has confirmed.

Rural hipster only shops in smaller Londis

A VILLAGE-BASED hipster ignores his nearer and larger Londis because it has ‘sold out’, he confirmed.

Not all of UK is enjoying a heatwave, says Scotland yet again

PEOPLE who live in Scotland have stressed, once again, that the UK is experiencing a partial heatwave.