Environment

Everyone had forgotten this country is freezing cold most of the time

EVERYONE had forgotten England is generally absolutely freezing, it has emerged.

Man swimming with dolphins thought they would do more

A MAN swimming with dolphins thought they would do more, he has confirmed.

Cats wondering why they didn't try teamwork before

A GROUP of cats has belatedly discovered it is far easier to get things done if you work as a team.

Fox hunting still number one hobby that's not really a hobby it's just f**king horrible

FOX Hunting is still the number one hobby for people who need to realise it is not a hobby it is just nasty, it has been confirmed.

Small birds 'need to lay off the carbs'

BIRDS would be a lot better at flying if they lay off the carbs, it has been claimed.

No-one admitting rain is perfect Brexit metaphor

NOBODY is admitting that the awful weather that everyone seemed to want but is turning out to be a huge pain in the arse is the perfect metaphor for Brexit, it has been confirmed.

Climate change skeptic referring to 1976 in every second sentence

A MAN who does not believe in global warming is referring to his memories of the summer of 1976 almost constantly, witnesses have confirmed.

Houseplants a complete f**king waste of time

OWNING a houseplant adds absolutely nothing to your life and very little to the houseplant’s, scientists have confirmed.

Slight breeze makes man fall to knees and weep with joy

A SLIGHT breeze has brought a man to his knees with blessed relief, witnesses have confirmed.

Family goes abroad to get a bit of rain

A FAMILY has gone overseas to catch some rain, it has emerged.

Hoity-toity north-west lords it over rest of Britain with fancy hosepipe ban

SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.

Man who added 'w/air-con' to Tinder bio cleaning up

A BACHELOR who added ‘w/air-con’ to his Tinder bio has never had so much sex, he has confirmed.