Environment

Checkout girl doesn't give a shit why you've not brought your bag for life

A SUPERMARKET checkout assistant has confirmed she could not care less about your reasons for not bringing reusable shopping bags with you today.

Bald man told to stop wearing woolly hat now

A BALD man has been gently informed that it is too warm for him to continue wearing a woolly hat, especially indoors.

Michael Gove's guide to running a post-Brexit farm

GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.

Snow in south to be moved to north

THE snow that is paralysing the south of England is to be loaded into trucks and moved to the north, where they do not mind it.

Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case

A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.

We want you to hear us having sex, say foxes

FOXES get off on people hearing them having loud sex, they have admitted.

'Just get on with it,' say turkeys

TURKEYS across Britain have agreed that we should stop discussing what kind of Christmas we are going to have and just get on with it.

Woman looking for new plant to kill

A WOMAN is strolling over to the flower market to select which plant will spend the next month slowly dying in her flat.

Reintroduction of wolves 'should start in London'

PACKS of wolves should be reintroduced to London to curb unmanageable population growth, experts have claimed.

World's oldest intact shipwreck can't be that intact or it wouldn't have sunk

THE world’s ‘oldest intact shipwreck’ must have a hole in it somewhere or it would not be a shipwreck, experts have reasoned. 

Six things you can do today that will make f**k all difference to climate change

CHINA’S burning coal faster than its children can sew on sequins, Bitcoin’s gobbling up electricity faster than a fan heater in a damp bedsit, and the bloke up the road’s just bought a three-litre BMW SUV.

Sweaty woman determined to wear winter coat

A WOMAN refusing to remove her winter coat despite it still being quite warm out is sweating like a pig, she has admitted.