Environment

Police disturb illegal lake monster fighting gang

CONSTABLES called to a nocturnal disturbance in Windermere found a group of men cheering two battling plesiosaurs, it has emerged.

Government u-turn on workshy trees

THE government has abandoned plans to force trees off benefits and into work.

M25 'just ends up back where it started'

THE M25 is a huge waste of money that goes round in a loop and just ends up back where it started, according to a devastating new report.

Northern gibbons are lazy thieves, say scientists

PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.

UK's biggest selling car is a goat

RECORD numbers of UK households are ditching the family car for a medium-sized goat.

Giant fox fighting a badger would have been brilliant, say experts

THE UK's biggest fox could probably have beaten a very large badger in an amazing fight, experts have claimed.

Earthquake frightens Cumbrians into giving up incest

CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.

Other Species Increasingly Obsessed With Fame

INSECTS and animals are increasingly exhibiting fame-hungry behaviour, according to experts.

Trapped Scottish drivers forced to deep fry each other

HUNDREDS of Scottish drivers, trapped by heavy snow, today face the prospect of deep frying the meatiest ones to stay alive.

Everyone To Get A Flamethrower

THE government is to overcome Britain's inability to order grit by giving everyone their own flamethrower.

British Geography Teachers Can Point To All The Places Prince Andrew Has Played Golf

BRITAIN'S geography teachers last night gave a thrilling demonstration of their academic prowess by getting out a big map and pointing to each of the places Prince Andrew has played golf.

Glastonbury To Be Powered By Jugglers

ENERGY for next year's Glastonbury festival will be provided by a troupe of electromagnetic circus performers.