So, Where's All The Fucking Grit? Asks Britain

PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what in the name of fuck has happened to all the grit.  

Motorists To Remove Wing Mirrors As Government Abandons Road Widening Plan

MOTORISTS will be told to make their cars thinner as the government tries to squeeze as many lanes as possible into Britain's motorway network.

Pope Calls For Cap On Gay Emissions

POPE Benedict has called for a renewed global effort to cap the level of gay emissions.

Hippies Annoying

HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.

Chops Better Than Planet

A UNITED Nation's plea to reduce meat consumption was rejected last night as millions decided planet Earth was not as good as some nice chops.

The Communities Living In Fear Of Global Warming Scientists

MORE than half of all communities in Britain are being terrorised by gangs of global warming scientists, it was claimed last night.

Rising Sea Levels To Reach Ronnie Corbett

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.

Biofuels Taste Awful, Say Africans

BIOFUELS are incredibly salty and don't really go with anything, hungry people in the Third World said last night.

Summer Floods Caused By Water, Say Experts

LAST year's summer floods were a freak event caused by a lot of water, a new scientific report has revealed.

I Brush My Teeth With Coal, Says Brown

COAL is so clean and fresh that the prime minister brushes his teeth with it, Downing Street said last night.

I will be just fine, says Earth

THE Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.

Prisoners To Be Sodomised In Bid To Cut CO2

MALE prisoners are to return to the predatory sexual hell of communal showers, in a bid to help the government reduce CO2.