Environment

We don't trust you any more, Britons tell spring

THE UK has told spring that it is nice to see it but after its betrayals they can never truly love it again. 

Woman lies about leaving 'bag for life' in car again

A WOMAN who has never re-used a carrier bag in her entire life has once again told the cashier she must have left them in the car.

Winter enters 18th fucking month

WINTER has entered its 18th consecutive fucking month, the Met Office has confirmed.

Cats confirm all fights to take place between 2am and 5am 

CATS have confirmed all their loud annoying fights will take place in the early hours of the morning.

All squirrels on coke

SQUIRRELS are all on cocaine, it has emerged.

Kids 'only want to go outside when it's f**king freezing'

CHILDREN are only interested in going outdoors when it is incredibly cold, it has emerged.

Motorist makes essential journey to Burger King

A MOTORIST has insisted he complied with weather warnings because his trip to Burger King was essential. 

Britons prepare for cold weather by already having coats and houses

TERRIFIED Britons are frantically preparing for tomorrow’s icy blast by already having everything they need to comfortably survive it. 

Couple build eco-home powered by their shit-eating grins

A COUPLE are showing off their self-build eco-home, which is powered exclusively by their smug expressions.

Plastic-free aisle in supermarkets to become hook-up joint for sanctimonious twats

PLASTIC-free aisles in supermarkets are to be used like singles bars by committed environmentalists, it has emerged.

The days are getting longer, confirm cheerful twats

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

I have always been an eco-warrior, by Theresa May

I HAVE always been a passionate supporter of the environment. Trees, ditches, wasps – these are all truly wonderful nature things.