BIRDS would be a lot better at flying if they lay off the carbs, it has been claimed.
NOBODY is admitting that the awful weather that everyone seemed to want but is turning out to be a huge pain in the arse is the perfect metaphor for Brexit, it has been confirmed.
A MAN who does not believe in global warming is referring to his memories of the summer of 1976 almost constantly, witnesses have confirmed.
OWNING a houseplant adds absolutely nothing to your life and very little to the houseplant’s, scientists have confirmed.
A SLIGHT breeze has brought a man to his knees with blessed relief, witnesses have confirmed.
A FAMILY has gone overseas to catch some rain, it has emerged.
SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.
A BACHELOR who added ‘w/air-con’ to his Tinder bio has never had so much sex, he has confirmed.
A WOMAN who will not stop informing people she does not use plastic straws is about to go on her third foreign holiday this year.
THE continuing heatwave will be forcing Britons to look at shit tattoos for the rest of the week and into the weekend.
PEOPLE pretending to enjoy the sun by playing Frisbee and having barbecues would much rather be indoors watching Poldark, it has emerged.
A DOG’S feelings have been crushed after discovering that his owner’s best friend is actually a man named Martin.