Environment

Make plastic bags a quid and give us the money, say turtles

TURTLES have told the government to stop messing around, raise the plastic bag charge to £1 and send the cash straight to them.

French Mountain covered in arseholes

A FRENCH mountain is covered in snow and smug, excitable arseholes, it has emerged. 

Cat's owners unaware of its reputation as mental bastard

THE owners of a ginger cat are entirely unaware that it is locally notorious an absolute mental bastard.

Northern Forest to have massive chip on its shoulder

TREES in the new Northern Forest will have a large number of grievances and think southern forests are looking down on them, it has emerged.

Stupid f**king hats everywhere

BRITAIN was awash with stupid hats, it has emerged.

Daily Express readers still stranded in six feet of imaginary snow

DAILY Express readers are spending another day trapped indoors by imaginary snowdrifts.

Bird feeders for little birds are racist, say big birds

BIG birds have hit out at the ‘blatant discrimination’ of bird feeders designed only to be used by smaller species.

London to take weeks to recover from 20 minutes of snow

LONDONERS have been warned to brace themselves for severe delays on roads and railways for months to come following yesterday’s 20-minute flurry of snow.

Impudent rebel slug refusing to vacate kitchen

A REBELLIOUS slug has been found gliding confidently across a kitchen floor long after it should have gone back to wherever slugs live.

Busy fox grabs a mid-morning mouse

A FOX with a lot on has just grabbed a quick mouse on the go.

Puppy going to f**k you up

A NEW puppy is absolutely not play-fighting, it has been revealed.

Trees ordered to pick all that shit up

TREES have been told to immediately pick up all the leaves they have dumped everywhere or face the consequences.