Environment

All squirrels on coke

SQUIRRELS are all on cocaine, it has emerged.

Kids 'only want to go outside when it's f**king freezing'

CHILDREN are only interested in going outdoors when it is incredibly cold, it has emerged.

Motorist makes essential journey to Burger King

A MOTORIST has insisted he complied with weather warnings because his trip to Burger King was essential. 

Britons prepare for cold weather by already having coats and houses

TERRIFIED Britons are frantically preparing for tomorrow’s icy blast by already having everything they need to comfortably survive it. 

Couple build eco-home powered by their shit-eating grins

A COUPLE are showing off their self-build eco-home, which is powered exclusively by their smug expressions.

Plastic-free aisle in supermarkets to become hook-up joint for sanctimonious twats

PLASTIC-free aisles in supermarkets are to be used like singles bars by committed environmentalists, it has emerged.

The days are getting longer, confirm cheerful twats

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

I have always been an eco-warrior, by Theresa May

I HAVE always been a passionate supporter of the environment. Trees, ditches, wasps – these are all truly wonderful nature things.

Make plastic bags a quid and give us the money, say turtles

TURTLES have told the government to stop messing around, raise the plastic bag charge to £1 and send the cash straight to them.

French Mountain covered in arseholes

A FRENCH mountain is covered in snow and smug, excitable arseholes, it has emerged. 

Cat's owners unaware of its reputation as mental bastard

THE owners of a ginger cat are entirely unaware that it is locally notorious an absolute mental bastard.

Northern Forest to have massive chip on its shoulder

TREES in the new Northern Forest will have a large number of grievances and think southern forests are looking down on them, it has emerged.