How to feel young again when you've accidentally enjoyed a trip to the garden centre

HAVE you returned from the garden centre with seven packets of seeds and a warm sense of contentment? Here’s how to nip those weird middle-aged feelings in the bud.

Environment 'could have been saved years ago if protesters didn't look like twats'

THE biggest obstacles to saving the planet are the clothing and physical appearance of environmental protesters, research has found.

'You f**king beauty,' say birds as convertible is parked under tree

A FLOCK of birds has gleefully anticipated the treat to come as a middle-aged man parked his convertible car beneath their tree.

London skyline renamed 'the Gigantic Metal Cocks of Doom'

LONDON is to become dominated by enormous menacing robotic penises thrusting into the sky, planners have confirmed.

Checkout girl doesn't give a shit why you've not brought your bag for life

A SUPERMARKET checkout assistant has confirmed she could not care less about your reasons for not bringing reusable shopping bags with you today.

Bald man told to stop wearing woolly hat now

A BALD man has been gently informed that it is too warm for him to continue wearing a woolly hat, especially indoors.

Michael Gove's guide to running a post-Brexit farm

GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.

Snow in south to be moved to north

THE snow that is paralysing the south of England is to be loaded into trucks and moved to the north, where they do not mind it.

Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case

A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.

We want you to hear us having sex, say foxes

FOXES get off on people hearing them having loud sex, they have admitted.

'Just get on with it,' say turkeys

TURKEYS across Britain have agreed that we should stop discussing what kind of Christmas we are going to have and just get on with it.

Woman looking for new plant to kill

A WOMAN is strolling over to the flower market to select which plant will spend the next month slowly dying in her flat.