Environment

Dog cancels important garden visit due to rain

A DOG has confirmed the cancellation of a trip to the garden because of poor weather conditions.

Nation divided over whether to put the heating on

BRITAIN is divided over whether or not it is cold enough to turn on the heating, it has been confirmed.

Massive labrador claims it's just puppy fat

A FAT Golden Retriever claims his excessive size is just puppy fat despite being nine years old and finishing every meal with a trifle.

Cats demand more corners and edges to rub their hairy faces on

BRITAIN'S cats have demanded more corners and edges for them to rub their hairy little cat faces against.

Massive toad totally running riverbank

A MASSIVE toad has his area of riverbank totally under control.

Naturalists report sighting of elusive, rarely-seen Yodel driver

NATURE experts have reported a rare eyewitness sighting of a Yodel delivery driver.

Cat judging owner for taking it out on lead

A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.

Man wishes he wasn’t too British to scream at the rain

A MAN furious at a summer of constant rain wants to treat it with the blazing anger it deserves, but is too British to do so.

Uber to launch gondola app once Britain fully submerged by rain

UBER is preparing to launch a gondola service once Britain is completely under water.

Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

I’m only glad I won’t live to see 2040, says tearful Clarkson

A WEEPING Jeremy Clarkson says he is only glad that he will not live to see the self-driving electric car dystopia that Britain will become.

Britain hit by entirely typical weather

BRITAIN will experience a lot of rain over the next few weeks because that is what happens at this time of year.