Environment

Uber to launch gondola app once Britain fully submerged by rain

UBER is preparing to launch a gondola service once Britain is completely under water.

Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

I’m only glad I won’t live to see 2040, says tearful Clarkson

A WEEPING Jeremy Clarkson says he is only glad that he will not live to see the self-driving electric car dystopia that Britain will become.

Britain hit by entirely typical weather

BRITAIN will experience a lot of rain over the next few weeks because that is what happens at this time of year.

Brexit food shortages to turn allotment owners into gods

THE UK’s coming food shortages will make the nation’s allotment gardeners into the undisputed rulers of the country, experts predicted.

Iceberg four times bigger than London also four times nicer than London

AN ICEBERG that has broken away from Antarctica is four times the size of London and also four times more hospitable, experts have confirmed.

Electric cab drivers to spout prejudice about people who don't recycle responsibly

DRIVERS of London’s new electric black cabs will spout intolerant, reactionary views about people who damage the environment, they have promised.

Lake District 'up itself' since gaining World Heritage status, say other National Parks

THE Lake District has gone right up itself since gaining World Heritage status, England’s other beauty spots have agreed.

Sexy young female crab enjoys heatwave beach frolics

A CURVACEOUS lady crab has been photographed soaking up the sun on Brighton beach.

Is it hot, or too hot? Take the Mash test

IT'S SUMMER, the sun is blazing down, and it's nice and hot. Or is it too hot? Take our test to find out.

Man shoves down rubbish in kitchen bin then lies to wife about it again

A MAN has postponed putting his rubbish out once again by ramming down the contents of his kitchen bin and then lying about it.

Britain still hopelessly divided between far too hot and bloody freezing

THE divide between Britain being ridiculously, painfully hot and absolutely fucking freezing is starker than ever, meteorologists have confirmed.