THE UK has told spring that it is nice to see it but after its betrayals they can never truly love it again.
A WOMAN who has never re-used a carrier bag in her entire life has once again told the cashier she must have left them in the car.
WINTER has entered its 18th consecutive fucking month, the Met Office has confirmed.
CATS have confirmed all their loud annoying fights will take place in the early hours of the morning.
SQUIRRELS are all on cocaine, it has emerged.
CHILDREN are only interested in going outdoors when it is incredibly cold, it has emerged.
A MOTORIST has insisted he complied with weather warnings because his trip to Burger King was essential.
TERRIFIED Britons are frantically preparing for tomorrow’s icy blast by already having everything they need to comfortably survive it.
A COUPLE are showing off their self-build eco-home, which is powered exclusively by their smug expressions.
PLASTIC-free aisles in supermarkets are to be used like singles bars by committed environmentalists, it has emerged.
PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.
I HAVE always been a passionate supporter of the environment. Trees, ditches, wasps – these are all truly wonderful nature things.