Survivors To Enjoy Glorious Summer, Says Met Office

BRITAIN'S small band of pork flu survivors can look forward to a hot, dry summer, the Met Office confirmed last night.

Don't forget to steal enough food for all of your dead guests

After the densely populated wash-outs of the last two years, experts said Britain's thinned-out herd will enjoy the 'perfect combination' of great weather and very short queues.

A Met Office spokeswoman said: "The roads will be nice and quiet and the beaches will be wonderfully empty.

"You'll also be able to help yourself to some nice salads and a bottle of rosé at the deserted supermarkets and then have your pick of the abandoned soft-tops in the car park."

She added: "The only slight problem we can foresee is the permanent and overwhelming stench of decaying flesh."

Emma Bradford, deputy editor of Good Housekeeping, said: "If all your friends are dead, just heave some corpses into your garden, put sunglasses on them and then prop them up à la Weekend at Bernie's, while hosting a ghoulish and macabre Sunday afternoon barbecue.

"Then you could circulate, topping up everyone's drinks while pretending that they're all laughing at your witty remarks and asking where you got your lovely new sandals.

"And as the afternoon melts into a warm summer evening, why not put on some music, grab that sexy neighbour of yours and drag his lifeless body round the lawn? There really are some wonderful memories just waiting to happen."

Meanwhile the government yesterday launched its pork flu information campaign underlining the fact that despite 2000 years of civilisation the people of Britain still have to be reminded to use a fucking hanky.