Tory donor kills lion but still fails to get full erection
MILLIONAIRE banker Sir David Scholey remains unable to achieve an erect penis despite shooting bullets into a lion, it has emerged.
The former Bank of England director, who has not been fully engorged since Margaret Thatcher sank the Belgrano, was pictured with the lead-riddled former cat whose killing he had believed would reinvigorate his workshy genitals.
He said: “Despite being guaranteed a boner by the safari company, I felt only the merest stirring
“Perhaps a fleeting downstairs inflation at the creature’s final death throe, but that may just have been the African breeze entering my khakis.
“God knows what I must do to fully tumesce. Strangle the last of a rare species of fruit bat? Beat an antelope with a shovel? Crash a packed school bus into a rhino?
“I shall be a pariah among my Tory donor friends if they discover that I am no longer sexually aroused by death.”
Zambian anti-impotence safari companies charge up to £26K per day to take wealthy flaccid individuals to where some lions are, in a man-versus-nature scenario which would be thrilling and even-handed if the lions also had guns with telescopic sights and travelled in armoured vehicles.
A spokesman for Yes Massa Colonial Death Boner Holidays said: “We cannot guarantee penile safari engorgment. Perhaps Sir David is gay.”
African lion Bill McKay said: “Yesterday three of my friends were shot for no motherfucking reason.
“I know that makes me sound more like a rapper than a lion, but it’s still true.”