Monday, 8th March 2021

Are you dying, or is it the same period you've had every month since you were a teenager?

SUFFERING horribly and a woman? Unsure if these are your final days, or if it’s just the usual agony of the menstrual cycle you’ve suffered every month for years? Find out: 

How often do you feel like this?

A) I’ve never felt this way before. I think this is it. I feel vast wings beating around me.
B) I’ve never felt this way before. I think this is it. Apart from actually I did feel a bit like this 28 days ago, and 28 days before that, and all the way back to secondary school.

What are your symptoms?

A) A sense of impending, inescapable doom.
B) A sense of impending doom plus stomach cramps, diarrhoea, a headache, and nausea.

Do you think there’s a cure?

A) No. I will soon die. It will be a relief.
B) Eating a box of 12 Krispy Kreme doughnuts sprinkled with ground-up codeine sometimes helps, a little bit.

Have you written a will?

A) Yes, I’m leaving my friends and family everything.
B) Yes, but I’ve just changed it to say I’m leaving my friend and family nothing because they’re all irritating bastards who piss me off.

How are the men in your life reacting?

A) They are weeping by my bedside and swearing eternal love. They know my time is near.
B) They’re saying being kicked in the balls hurts way more.


Mostly As: Wow, you really are dying. Why are you wasting your time doing an online quiz?

Mostly Bs: I’m afraid it’s just your period, so no funeral for you. But do remember to come back to this quiz next month to see if you get the same answer.