Britain’s Children Can’t Get Any Fatter, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S children are close to reaching their critical mass, according to a new scientific report.

Five, four, three, two...

Experts at the Institute for Studies said under 15s were now approaching maximum density and the first children should start to explode by the end of the year.

Institute director Professor Henry Brubaker said: "We have noticed a levelling off in average weight. This is not because they are eating less, it's because the human body can only create so much skin.

"According to our data it now seems that millions of our youngsters have entered what we are calling the 'detonation phase'."

Professor Brubaker said that children who have reached their critical mass should not be forced to do any exercise, comparing it to vigorously shaking a bottle of lemonade.

"We believe there is now a case to be made for controlled explosions of our fattest children. The last thing you want is one of these things going off in a busy shop.

"Perhaps we could lock them in a wardrobe? At worst you'd have to repaint the ceiling and maybe do a bit of plastering."

He added: "Nevertheless, we are recommending that from next month everyone wears a hard hat and a heavy overcoat to protect them from flying deep-fried chicken parts and super-dense fudge."