Fat People Still Need To Be Told

MOST fat people still have no idea that they are fat despite the overwhelming quantity of visual evidence, according to a new report.

'It's a combination of low carbs, plenty of fruit juice and twice weekly dancercise'

Research by the Institute for Studies found the majority of obese people share a collective hallucination about the folds of blubber hanging off their vast, bloated bodies being something other than the result of continued Bunter-esque cake consumption.

Deputy director Tom Logan said: "Initially we thought they knew but were fine with it, but when we put the fatties in a room together they would all point and laugh at each other.

"Our research revealed that your average overweight person completely forgets the daily bogwashes, Chinese burns and 'spoon torture' of their inevitably horrendous school days within 18 months of leaving the education system, after which most people stop being arseholes directly to their face.

"Soon after they lose any notion of what they actually look like, a delusion fuelled by nonsensical excuses about having 'big untensed biceps' and the fact that Gavin and Stacey is pretty much always on."

He added: "You just have to tell them upfront, or they'll never know."

Nathan Muir, a 26-stoner from Grantham, said: "I'm a naturally slender guy whose svelte body just happens to be surrounded by a three-inch thick layer of dense, flesh-coloured air.

"It's a kind of bubble, an atmospheric quirk that is in no way related to my peccadillo for eating 19 corn beef vol-au-vents in one go, cramming them all into my mouth as I rub my flat washboard stomach with a gloating circular motion."

Emma Bradford, who eats four Swiss rolls in chocolate custard for breakfast and travels to work on the back of a flatbed lorry, added: "I'm like a racehorse, I just burn it off."