How to exercise when you f**king hate exercise

EXERCISE is hell, but a growing body of medical opinion links not exercising with getting so fat you die.

Try these ways of incorporating it into your daily life without even noticing:

Anger a big dog

Why run, if there’s nothing to run from? Give yourself motivation by poking a big, aggressive dog with a stick then sprinting desperately away from its relentless jaws.

Walk to a distant pub

Health experts suggest getting off the bus a stop early, but experts in human nature suggest making a more distant pub into your weeknight local. Even better, arriving with your heart pumping away will really send that first pint to your head.

Become a passive-aggressive domestic martyr

Household chores count as exercise, and if you approach them with a sanctimonious attitude full of unspoken resentment you’ll find your pulse racing just watching your partner leave a mug unwashed. And creates a lovely toxic atmosphere.

Take drugs and go clubbing

Neck a couple of dubious pills and go out. Eight hours off your face on a dance floor will cover your recommended 10,000 daily steps for about three weeks, and you won’t be able to eat until at least Tuesday.