Woman washing hands 60 times a day driving filthy sh*t tip of a car

A WOMAN who is constantly washing her hands due to the coronavirus is still driving around in a disgusting sh*t tip of a car.

Five tedious events you can legitimately avoid thanks to coronavirus

NOT looking forward to going to a big wedding or cricket match in the coming weeks? Here are some other events you can now legitimately cry off.

What f**kwitted opinions about coronavirus are you sharing online?

IT’S important to share your witless opinions about the coronavirus on traditional forums for idiots such as BBC comments and Mail Online. Try some of these. 

Dad would rather get coronavirus than fist-bump

A DAD has confirmed he will be shaking hands and potentially spreading a deadly virus rather than ever ‘fist-bump’.

The hypochondriac's guide to convincing yourself you've got COVID-19

BIT of a headache? Slight cough? Friend of a friend back from France? You might be able to convince yourself you’ve got the coronavirus.

Woman carrying yoga mat just using it for naps

A WOMAN often seen carrying a yoga mat has admitted she only uses it to take frequent naps.

Oh sh*t this is happening, Britain realises

THE UK has woken up to the fact that the coronavirus is here and happening and this is likely to be very bad. 

'Don't get ill': Britain's 12-point coronavirus plan

THE government has revealed its 12-point emergency plan to stop the coronavirus sweeping Britain and upsetting the markets. Read it immediately.

How to survive a pandemic according to TV and films

THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about surviving deadly infections will be fine.

Woman improves morning routine by adding line of coke

A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.

Doctor running out of ways to hint patient is fat bastard who drinks too much

A GP is running out of tactful ways to tell a patient his health issues are down to being a big fat f**ker who is always on the sauce.

Your guide to not getting PTSD from using a train toilet

HAVE you ruined your train journey by needing the loo? Here’s how to use one of those coffin-sized toilets from hell without lasting damage to your mental health.