Health

Man quits exercise for good after realising no-one else gives a shit

A MAN has stopped working out after realising no-one gives a tuppenny toss about how long he spends at the gym.

‘Glowing’ pregnant woman feels like hell on earth

A PREGNANT woman complimented for her healthy glow is actually sweating cobs and exhausted, she has confirmed.

Milk in shops comes from cows' tits

THE milk we buy in supermarkets is straight from the tits of a cow, it has been claimed.

First chip eaten while still insanely hot

THE first sizzling hot chip on a plate has been eaten within seconds of arriving at the table, ruining the rest of the meal.

Man admits Pot Noodle is just awful but refuses to stop

A MAN has confirmed that Pot Noodles are manky and he will not stop eating them.

Hunt jealous of hackers who were able to cripple NHS in just 20 minutes

JEREMY Hunt is bitterly jealous of the cyber attackers who brought the NHS to its knees.

Never having to do PE again is best part of being an adult

A WOMAN who often despairs at the state of the world finds comfort in the fact that she never has to do PE again.

Couple who spent their 20s guzzling ecstasy ban toxic cleaning products from home

A COUPLE who would take anything going for at least a decade now refuse to have any ‘harmful’ chemicals in their house.

Yoga mat enters fifth year behind sofa

A YOGA mat has celebrated its fifth anniversary of being bought then stuck immediately behind the sofa.

Woman who just created whole new human couldn’t give a shit about her weight

A WOMAN is too busy marvelling at her ability to create actual human beings to worry about restoring ‘pre-baby body’, she has confirmed.

Tonight the perfect night to do E, confirm doctors

DOCTORS have recommended dropping ecstacy this evening to leave yourself plenty of time for a leisurely recovery.

Cyclists handed yet another reason to think they’re better than you

THE news that cycling cuts the risk of cancer by half has given cyclists another reason to be insufferably smug, it has emerged.