The pathetic freedoms you'll be allowed from Monday to make the Tories look good

IT IS in no way time for lockdown to end, but new car sales hit their lowest point since the war last month so the Tories believe the time has come to risk lives.

Why all the sexy ladies want epidemiologists, by Professor Neil Ferguson

YES, I broke lockdown. But if you had any idea just how much triple-A pussy you can get mathematically modelling the spread of disease, you’d understand.

The miracles that could still save 2020

SO far, the end-of-year montage for 2020 is going to be you sat at home watching other people sat in their homes. But could these miracles turn the year around?

'I Love NHS' tattoo infected

A MAN with a fresh ‘I Love NHS’ is beginning to worry that he needs a trip to A&E.

How to make the pandemic all about you

DESPERATE for attention? Sick of some virus stealing your thunder? Here’s how to make this global pandemic all about you.

Teenage boy suddenly fan of workout that makes him smell like burnt leaves

A TEENAGE boy is regularly heading outside to partake in some mysterious exercise that makes him smell like burnt leaves, his parents have confirmed.

'New normal' code for 'deeply f*cked-up but you have to get on with it'

EXTREMELY unusual but ultimately necessary behaviours have been rebranded as 'the new normal'.

Woman doing virtual yoga class enjoying freedom to fart at will

A WOMAN whose weekly yoga sessions have moved online is enjoying the freedom to fart audibly throughout.

Miserable shit annoyed by respectful social distancing in park

A SELF-RIGHTEOUS, snooping arsehole is becoming increasingly annoyed at not having enough opportunities to call the police.

Injections of Dettol and a tanning bed: take the Trump cure

PRESIDENT Trump has recommended injections of disinfectant, UV lights and regular applications of snake oil to cure COVID-19. But what else is he suggesting? 

Holding your breath when you pass someone and other new pandemic habits

EVERYTHING has changed, and every stranger or shiny surface is potentially a vector of infection. Here are the new habits you’ve picked up.

No one cares about your home workout, Britons told

NOBODY gives a shit about the fitness regime you are doing at home and they never will, it has emerged.