Health

Office worker doesn't like to measure her coffee intake in pints

AN OFFICE worker has announced that she would rather not consider the amount of coffee she drinks in pints because it would sound rather grim.

Supermarket shoppers baffled by basic hygiene

SUPERMARKET customers cannot grasp hygiene concepts such as not manhandling bread then putting it back on the shelf, it has emerged.

Man goes to doctor instead of looking it up on internet

A MAN who thinks he is unwell has gone to the doctor instead of typing his symptoms into Google.

Playgrounds to become thrillingly dangerous again

CHILDREN can once again crack their heads open on concrete while swinging on rusted metal bars when the UK scraps EU protection laws.

Reformed Honey Monster now wants to be called just 'Monster'

THE monster formerly known as 'Honey Monster' has changed his name after beating his sugar addiction.

Man to just have chips for dinner

A GROWN man has announced that he will be having nothing more than a plate of chips for his dinner tonight.

Pensions now worth enough for one big bender

THE average British pension will now fund one proper night out when you finally reach retirement, financial advisers have confirmed.

Middle class children exposed to dangerous levels of sourdough

MIDDLE class children are in danger of regarding sourdough bread as normal, experts have warned.

Addiction warnings on heroin packaging ‘the nanny state gone mad’

HEROIN users are criticising laws that the drug must be sold in plain black packaging with health warnings as the ‘nanny state gone mad’.

Sex education to be compulsory for people who are particularly bad at sex

THE government is to make sex education compulsory for all UK citizens who are terrible at sex, it has confirmed.

Only even numbers of fruit and vegetables are healthy, experts declare

NUTRITIONISTS have claimed eating two, four, six, or eight portions of fruit and vegetables every day is healthy, but eating one, three, five, or seven could be fatal.

Millions of Britons 'complacent about their drinking ability'

MANY Britons wrongly assume they can still drink as much as they used to, it has emerged.