Health

Sex education to be compulsory for people who are particularly bad at sex

THE government is to make sex education compulsory for all UK citizens who are terrible at sex, it has confirmed.

Only even numbers of fruit and vegetables are healthy, experts declare

NUTRITIONISTS have claimed eating two, four, six, or eight portions of fruit and vegetables every day is healthy, but eating one, three, five, or seven could be fatal.

Millions of Britons 'complacent about their drinking ability'

MANY Britons wrongly assume they can still drink as much as they used to, it has emerged.

NHS told to stop splashing out on fancy operations

THE NHS must stop frittering money on fancy operations with all the latest equipment and drugs, ministers have claimed.

Typical glass of British tap water now 70 per cent ham

ORDINARY British tap water is now mostly ham, experts have confirmed.

Balding man chooses just the right moment to begin shaving his head

A BALDING man has been acclaimed by friends for calling the moment to begin shaving his head just perfectly.

The 'NSH' or whatever it's called is my top priority, says Hunt

JEREMY Hunt has confirmed that solving the problems of the National Whatsiscalled Service is his key focus whenever he is not busy.

Family whose mum feeds them on £3 a day spending £42 a day on snacks

A FAMILY whose mother boasts of providing them with healthy, nutritious meals for £3 a day secretly spend £294 a week on junk food.

Woman instantly transforms into vile hag on reaching 40

A WOMAN has instantly become a hideous crone upon reaching her 40th birthday.

May tells GPs to offer Thai cooking classes

THERESA May has told GP surgeries to teach a range of evening classes to avoid closure.

Woman quietly swaps 'Veganuary' for 8kg of cheddar

A WOMAN who would not shut up about going vegan for a month has gorged herself on cheddar like an animal.

Hospitals not on fire yet, insists May

THERESA May has reminded everyone that the NHS has yet to burn to the ground.