Health

Knobheads wondering what the virus is here to teach us

A GROWING number of unbearable arseholes believe that the pandemic devastating the world is ‘here to help us learn something about ourselves’.

Five things that obviously aren't spreading coronavirus

COUGHS, unwashed hands, and sharing enclosed spaces with other people all spread the coronavirus. These things obviously don’t.

Hands like sandpaper 'are the sexiest hands'

RAW, chapped hands are now the only hands Britons can bear to have touch them, they have confirmed.

How to feel like a coronavirus hero when you aren't one

YES, the NHS deserves a good clap but don’t you also deserve a pat on the back for the sacrifices you’ve made from your sofa? Here’s how to tell yourself you’re a corona hero too.

Five signs you're going stir-crazy

YOU'VE been stuck in the house for what feels like, what, 30 years now? So, there's a good chance that you've started to go stir crazy. Here's five signs to look out for.

Plan to get ripped with Joe Wicks abandoned after three days

A WOMAN’S plan to get fit with Joe Wicks has been abandoned after a mere three days and must never be spoken of again. 

Take the government's COVID-19 test

DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out.

Social distancing doesn't apply to us, joggers confirm

MAINTAINING a distance of two metres from other people applies to everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.

The lazy bastard's guide to exercising at home

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

Britons now calling it the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus'

THE UK is now referring to the coronavirus as the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus', or will also accept 'COVID-bastard-19'.

Boris Johnson's guide to self-isolating

BUGGER. This is terribly bad news for both me and the country, but mainly me. Here’s how I intend to send the coronavirus packing.

How to keep your boomer relatives indoors

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.