Health

Stupid and evil people live longest, happiest lives

THE secret to living a long, happy life is to be nasty, unintelligent or a combination of the two, research has found.

Woman already making space under stairs for bullshit healthy lifestyle gadget

A WOMAN who asked for a smoothie-maker for Christmas has found the perfect place for it to be stored and forgotten about.

Smoker stops fannying about with ridiculous 'vaping'

A SMOKER has stopped messing around with ‘e-cigarettes’ and gone back to the real thing.

Processed red meat found to sort you out

EATING large amounts of fried and processed red meat sorts you out, it has been confirmed.

Toddlers become spherical for winter

TODDLERS have expanded into their spherical outdoor forms for the winter months.

Woman working hard on winter body

A WOMAN who ate a doughnut in the middle of the night is making her body an appropriate shape for the season.

Staying up all night playing computer games not insomnia, teenagers told

PLAYING Red Dead Redemption until dawn is not a recognised medical condition, doctors have confirmed.

Woman shunned by friends for liking aerobics

A WOMAN who enjoys exercise without any spiritualism or bullshit attached is being ignored by her friends.

Fussy eaters are pain in the arse at DNA level

FUSSY eaters are an absolute ballache to be around at a genetic level, scientists have discovered.

Woman pretty much announces she's pregnant by turning down glass of wine

A WOMAN has more or less announced that she is pregnant by turning down the offer of alcohol.

Doctors refuse to see anyone who arrives with a fag and a can of Monster

DOCTORS will no longer see patients who arrive with a cigarette in one hand and an energy drink in the other.

Man unaware he was an alcoholic until doing a questionnaire

A MAN has found out in the nick of time that he is chronically addicted to alcohol after doing a questionnaire on a website.