THE secret to living a long, happy life is to be nasty, unintelligent or a combination of the two, research has found.
A WOMAN who asked for a smoothie-maker for Christmas has found the perfect place for it to be stored and forgotten about.
A SMOKER has stopped messing around with ‘e-cigarettes’ and gone back to the real thing.
EATING large amounts of fried and processed red meat sorts you out, it has been confirmed.
TODDLERS have expanded into their spherical outdoor forms for the winter months.
A WOMAN who ate a doughnut in the middle of the night is making her body an appropriate shape for the season.
PLAYING Red Dead Redemption until dawn is not a recognised medical condition, doctors have confirmed.
A WOMAN who enjoys exercise without any spiritualism or bullshit attached is being ignored by her friends.
FUSSY eaters are an absolute ballache to be around at a genetic level, scientists have discovered.
A WOMAN has more or less announced that she is pregnant by turning down the offer of alcohol.
DOCTORS will no longer see patients who arrive with a cigarette in one hand and an energy drink in the other.
A MAN has found out in the nick of time that he is chronically addicted to alcohol after doing a questionnaire on a website.