A BABY girl has confirmed that 'self-soothing' as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of bollocks.
CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.
A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged.
BRITONS are not at risk of salmonella from eating runny eggs though they will still sicken anyone forced to watch, a watchdog has confirmed.
THE government has told people to watch BBC soap Doctors before calling their GP just in case the show includes a storyline about their condition.
A WOMAN who believes in calling out prejudice in any situation decided not to say anything to the bigoted beauty therapist removing her pubic hair.
THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast.
SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.
A 31 YEAR-OLD man has been left with post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally joining female colleagues in a conversation about Mooncups.
A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends have noticed.
DOCTORS have been ordered to refer obese patients to cookery classes by a horrendously patronising posh arsehole in government somewhere.
WOMEN lose interest in sex during long-term relationships because the whole thing is just silly, a survey has found.