Dickhead manages to get sunburnt in February

AN utter dickhead has achieved the rare feat of being badly sunburnt in Britain in February.

Child of anti-vaxxers sneaking out at night to do immunisations in the park

A CHILD whose parents are against vaccinations has been getting together with his friends at night and doing measles shots.

GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold

DOCTORS’ surgeries are hopeful that if they leave patients on hold for long enough they will either make a complete recovery or die.

The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep

TROUBLE sleeping? We consulted doctors, psychotherapists, stress experts and your partner to find one simple solution stated in five different ways.

Woman's only winter cardio is pulling her tights up

A WOMAN has admitted that hoisting her sagging tights back up is her key workout for the winter months.

The six most middle-class ways of exercising

Boot camp in the park: What could possibly be more middle-class than taking a communal area for the leisure of all and commandeering it for your personal use?

Middle-aged man with hefty boobs still calling them 'pecs'

A MIDDLE aged man still believes his manboobs are just well-developed pectoral muscles.

Man disappointed 'self-care' doesn't involve more wanking

A MAN has been disappointed to find that ‘self-care’ does not involve much, or in fact any, masturbation.

Woman unable to go running because her headphones are broken

A WOMAN was forced to abandon her plans to go for a run after discovering her headphones were broken.

Man thinks everyone is genuinely interested in how much water he drinks

A MAN is convinced his newfound commitment to drinking lots of water is genuinely interesting to other people.

Right age to lose virginity 'no more than 18 months after you've claimed to'

A SURVEY of British sexual attitudes suggests that the best age to lose your virginity is within 18 months of lying about it to all your mates.

We've waived our completely made-up fee that pays for literally nothing, say gyms

GYMS are generously waiving the £125 joining fee they usually charge for absolutely nothing, they have confirmed.