Woman hoping to bounce back from decade of drinking and smoking with sheet mask

A 34-YEAR-OLD woman believes she can reverse the damage inflicted by years of fags and booze with a rejuvenating face mask.

How to secretly stuff your face when your partner's on a diet

YOUR partner’s dieting and you’re trying to be supportive but you’re bloody starving. Here’s how to stuff yourself without getting caught.

Is your body a temple or a dodgy kebab shop?

DO you treat your body like a beautiful temple or stuff it full of questionable meat and grease? See where you fall on the scale.

A&E targets to be changed to 'If you're not dead'

THE government has announced it is scrapping waiting time targets for A&E and will instead consider it a success if some patients survive.

Woman realises at least work stops her snacking

A WOMAN who hates her job has realised that it does at least stop her eating all the time she is awake.

Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain

BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.

New jogger doing it all wrong

A MAN who has just started jogging is doing absolutely everything wrong.

Heroic man cycles to work even when it's raining

A TOTAL hero still cycles to work even when it is cold and raining, he has confirmed.

NHS gone

BRITAIN is watching the National Health Service being replaced by signs promising that an exciting new health provider is coming soon.

Man’s new diet mostly stopping having sugar in tea

A MAN is going on a pre-Christmas crash diet by no longer taking three spoons of sugar in his tea.

Your guide to going into hospital when the Americans have bought it

GOING into hospital is stressful at the best of times, so what will it be like when America has bought the NHS? Here’s a practical guide.

Parents try to work out which a*sehole kid started sick bug

PARENTS of children who have been vomiting all night are pointlessly trying to work out who is to blame.