New Covid restrictions ban singing, dancing, music, merriment, smiling, laughter and joy

NEW laws to stop the spread of coronavirus have made loud music, singing, dancing, and any sound or facial expression signifying pleasure illegal.

'Believe in me now, bitch?' asks Covid

COVID-19 has asked President Trump if he still thinks it is ‘just the flu’ that ‘will vanish on its own’ now. 

Today's random restrictions, by region

THE government will today announce a new set of regional Covid restrictions, all of which are different and none of which are comprehensible. Here they are: 

Visit to drive-thru coronavirus test centre best family day out of 2020

SPENDING an afternoon queuing in an airport car park to be tested for Covid-19 is the best day out of 2020, families have agreed.

Are you allowed to have sex? Take Matt Hancock's quiz

With casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.

Woman on juice diet blends entire Brie

A WOMAN on a health kick has supplemented her juice diet by blending an entire Brie, along with two packets of Wotsits and some ham.

New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

Chief medical officer: 'None of the comforting bullshit you believe is true'

THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate.

You irresponsible office-working pubgoing bastards, says government

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.

Man leaving contact details on pub clipboard catches Covid from the pen

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

Arsenic and other Victorian treatments for Covid, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.

Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.