How to weigh yourself then take your bathroom scales to a remote forest and bury them where they will never be found
STEPPED on the bathroom scales, then managed to glimpse their evil numbers over your gut? Here’s what to do next.
IT'S easy to scream about the agony of pushing a human through a small orifice, but according to lifelong man Tom Logan it’s nothing compared to what men suffer. He explains:
THE chancellor is concerned that Britain, where 9,000 lives are lost to Covid each week, is foolishly delaying economic recovery by concentrating on the virus.
NO one was able to predict that the Covid virus would mutate, apart from epidemiologists and primary school children. Here are some other blatantly obvious things I cannot predict.
A PUBLIC health warning has been issued after Covid vaccines were linked to fast-spreading outbreaks of Brexiter schadenfreude.
WITH mandatory quarantine being introduced for incoming travellers, home secretary Priti Patel offers an exclusive tour of one of the new quarantine hotels.
SWIMMING in cold water during the winter months is the latest wellness fad that people are sick of f**king hearing about.
THE health secretary has told the EU that British cats, dogs and hamsters will get the vaccine before they consider shipping spares across the channel.
SINCE last March, Denys Finch Hatton has been warning that lockdowns never, ever work. This is his last ten months.
BORED of coronavirus and endless lockdowns? Why not convince yourself and anyone unlucky enough to be in your WhatsApp group it’s a hoax?
A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.
ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want.
- How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock
- Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank
- How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains
- Travel rule exemption announced for middle-class families driving to National Trusts