Health

Whole nation dead certain they'll be going into Tier 1

EVERY region of England is convinced that they will be going straight from lockdown into the freedom of Tier 1, it has emerged.

Covid Superspreader of the Year shortlist revealed

THE shortlist for the 2020 Covid Superspreader of the Year awards has been released, with Dominic Cummings the clear favourite to win.

Government launches vaccine advent calendar

A NEW advent calendar released by the government allows Britons to count down until they are eligible to receive the coronavirus vaccine.

Professor Chris Whitty's guide to dating

HELLO. Professor Chris Whitty here. Here is my foolproof advice for pulling the birds, in the form of a slideshow presentation. First slide please.

Adult woman who still gets spots asking what the point of growing up was

A WOMAN is asking herself what the point of becoming an adult was if she still has to put up with disfiguring spots like she did as a teenager.

Next lockdown to immediately follow this lockdown but to be a separate different lockdown

THE government has confirmed that immediately following this lockdown there will be another lockdown but that it is a totally different lockdown.

Five ways Matt Hancock will totally f**k up the vaccination

EXPERTS say the UK could return to normality by Easter if we don’t screw up the vaccine rollout. Here’s how Matt Hancock will screw up the vaccine rollout.

Brexiters first: the order in which Britain will be given the vaccine and why

THE government has announced the order in which a Covid vaccine will be administered to Britain’s population. Find out where you are on the list.

Brave anti-vaxxer to be vaccinated to prove it's bollocks

A HEROIC anti-vaxxer has volunteered to be injected with the new vaccine to expose the Covid conspiracy for the lie that it is.

Success of lockdown 'entirely dependent on everyone actually doing it'

SCIENTISTS have put forward the controversial theory that lockdowns only work if the public actually bothers to f**king observe them.

Government to ignore breakthrough vaccine for one designed by old Oxford chum that doesn't work

THE UK government has greeted news of a viable Covid-19 vaccine by ordering a different one made by an old schoolfriend with a zero per cent success rate.

Getting up to open another bottle and five other exercise tips for Lockdown 2

NO ONE is going to put up with Joe Wicks a second time around, so how are we all going to stay in shape? Here are some exercise tips for people who are royally f**ked off with Covid.