Health

GP's receptionist admits every single appointment is a personal defeat

A DOCTOR'S receptionist takes every single patient who successfully manages to see a doctor as a painful personal defeat, she has admitted.

Secret to happiness is judging people in supermarket queues

MAKING sweeping judgements about other people’s lives based entirely on their shopping is the key to personal happiness, it has been confirmed.

Being on Facebook not a medical qualification, idiots told

OWNING a Facebook account does not mean you can give all your friends dodgy medical advice, doctors have warned.

Britain to get laid-back, breezy Australian cigarette warnings after Brexit

BRITISH tobacco warnings will be replaced by Australian ‘You probably won’t get cancer, mate, but go easy in case’ warnings in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Woman reaches 10,000 steps at door of chippy

A WOMAN has congratulated herself on hitting her daily goal of 10,000 steps by going on a special excursion to the chip shop.

Woman who went to doctor with cold moaning that NHS is overstretched

A WOMAN who went to see her GP because she had a bit of sniffle was outraged that the waiting room was full of people.

Yoga teacher masters tricky move of pretending to have her life together

A YOGA teacher has finally mastered the challenging move of pretending to have a fully-functioning life outside yoga classes.

'Definitely going for a run tomorrow' enters fifth year

A MAN who has been promising to "go for a run tomorrow" for five years definitely means it this time.

Woman confusing being very stressed with being very successful

A WOMAN who works long hours, never sees her friends and worries about her job constantly thinks she is doing very well at life, she has confirmed.

You have measles because daddy reads bullshit on the internet, child told

A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that.

Woman who treated herself to takeaway now treating herself to six hours on toilet 

A WOMAN who treated herself to a ‘cheeky takeaway’ is subsequently indulging herself in a cheeky bout of gastroenteritis, she has confirmed.

Romantic wild swim ends in severe bout of the shits

A COUPLE who thought it would be romantic to swim naked in a tranquil river have ended up with a nasty dose of diarrhoea and some tetanus booster jabs.