Health

How to brush off a public cough

ARE you at risk of attracting horrified stares by coughing in public? Here’s how to style it out.

Brits immune to coronavirus after four pints

PEOPLE develop immunity to coronavirus after consuming four pints of beer, drunk people have confirmed.

All the people your elderly parents have had round while they've been isolating

YOUR elderly parents are in a high-risk group so they haven't left the house or let anyone in for the last 10 weeks. Apart from the following:

Masks to be compulsory for the poor, government announces

THE government has ordered anyone who uses public transport, shops at Asda or whose home is in council tax bands A-C to wear facemasks. 

Leaving shopping bags unpacked for three days and other things you no longer bother doing

AS lockdown eases it was clearly no biggie and there’s every reason for complacency. Here are some things everyone has stopped doing now COVID-19 has been sent packing.

MPs returning to parliament dangerous but f**k 'em, key workers agree

NHS workers and supermarket staff have agreed that as they are risking their lives then the MPs who order them to can bloody well do the same.

16 injured in this weekend's eye tests

SIXTEEN Britons have injured themselves this weekend in complications relating to the new eye-testing system, police have confirmed.

Daily walks are boring as shit, admit Britons

PEOPLE in Britain have admitted that their daily walks are really f**king boring now.

UK running out of ways to f**k this up

BRITAIN is quickly running out of ways to f**k up its handling of the coronavirus, according to experts.

Teeth an endless, expensive ball-ache

MAINTAINING a healthy set of teeth is a painful lifelong struggle that will leave you massively out-of-pocket, it has emerged.

Friends meeting in park fail to recognise each other

TWO friends who arranged a socially-distanced meet up in the park have been having problems recognising each other due to their overweight, unkempt appearances.

Which COVID-19 hotspot are you heading to this weekend?

IT’S summer and the perfect time to head out to one of Britain’s much-loved COVID-19 hotspots to up your viral load. But where will you go?