'New normal' code for 'deeply f*cked-up but you have to get on with it'

EXTREMELY unusual but ultimately necessary behaviours have been rebranded as 'the new normal'.

Woman doing virtual yoga class enjoying freedom to fart at will

A WOMAN whose weekly yoga sessions have moved online is enjoying the freedom to fart audibly throughout.

Miserable shit annoyed by respectful social distancing in park

A SELF-RIGHTEOUS, snooping arsehole is becoming increasingly annoyed at not having enough opportunities to call the police.

Injections of Dettol and a tanning bed: take the Trump cure

PRESIDENT Trump has recommended injections of disinfectant, UV lights and regular applications of snake oil to cure COVID-19. But what else is he suggesting? 

Holding your breath when you pass someone and other new pandemic habits

EVERYTHING has changed, and every stranger or shiny surface is potentially a vector of infection. Here are the new habits you’ve picked up.

No one cares about your home workout, Britons told

NOBODY gives a shit about the fitness regime you are doing at home and they never will, it has emerged.

How to make your own PPE, with Dominic Raab

GOOD morning, I’m the supply prime minister and today I’m going to show you how to make your own personal protective equipment at home. 

NHS workers asked if they'd prefer a badge, a medal or a pay cut for being ungrateful

NHS employees have been asked if they would prefer a badge, a medal or a pay cut as punishment for not wanting a badge or a medal.

Man self-diagnoses as expert epidemiologist

A BORED man has officially read enough about coronavirus to name himself a top epidemiologist, he has confirmed.

Man feels eye pain exactly 45 seconds after reading it's a coronavirus symptom

A MAN who has just read that ‘eye pain’ can be a symptom of coronavirus is beginning to feel the first twinges of eye pain.

How to be a dick about exercising during the crisis

GOVERNMENT guidelines allow for 30 minutes of exercise per day. How can you pack every one of them with high-fibre wankerishness?

How not to go insane in lockdown with your parents

HAVE you chosen to sit out the coronavirus crisis at your parents’ house? Here’s how to prevent their annoying habits driving you up the f**king wall.