The f**king idiot's guide to why you shouldn't wear a face mask

OUTRAGED at the idea of strapping a life-saving piece of cloth to your face? Here’s how to justify your pointless opposition to face masks.

COVID-themed chat-up lines that won't get you anywhere

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

Gyms, swimming pools and other fetid death traps to reopen this month

THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.

Face masks make me look stupid, says man wearing Crocs

A MAN who leaves the house in brightly coloured plastic clogs refuses to wear protective face masks because he thinks they make him look stupid.

Tired or old? Take our quiz

ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now?

Couple who don't want to send their kids to school off to the beach this weekend

A COUPLE angry they will be fined if they do not send their kids to school are looking forward to a visit to a busy beach.

Leicester wants lockdown rules translated into indecipherable slang

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.

Get in shape with Boris Johnson

LOOKING to shift that lockdown paunch? The PM explains how you too can achieve his Adonis-like physique.

Disappointment for millions who had booked holidays in Leicester

MILLIONS of holidaymakers who had booked breaks in Leicester will be staying at home as the summer hotspot faces extended lockdown.

Can your common sense defeat COVID-19? Take our quiz

GOOD old British common sense, of the kind that’s been so prevalent in the last few years, will beat coronavirus. But have you got the gumption?

Boris Johnson's patronising guide to how long a metre is

METRES aren’t British, so no true patriot should be able to remember how long they are without help. Use these sturdy pointers.

Hairdressers to open because you all look like shit: the definitive list of what's opening, what's not, and why

THE Goverment has announced everything that will be reopening to the British public from July 4th. Here’s the definitive list, with explanations.