Health

How are you spunking away the last days of humanity?

THE coronavirus will soon reduce humanity to a tattered handful of survivors. But how will you waste your final days?

The six most pointless ways to panic about the coronavirus

THE coronavirus is on the other side of the world and experts are confident it will not affect you. So how are you losing your sh*t about it? 

40-year-old man unaware he has 40-year-old metabolism

A 40-YEAR-OLD man has not realised his metabolism has aged at the same rate as the rest of his increasingly flabby body.

Woman hoping to bounce back from decade of drinking and smoking with sheet mask

A 34-YEAR-OLD woman believes she can reverse the damage inflicted by years of fags and booze with a rejuvenating face mask.

How to secretly stuff your face when your partner's on a diet

YOUR partner’s dieting and you’re trying to be supportive but you’re bloody starving. Here’s how to stuff yourself without getting caught.

Is your body a temple or a dodgy kebab shop?

DO you treat your body like a beautiful temple or stuff it full of questionable meat and grease? See where you fall on the scale.

A&E targets to be changed to 'If you're not dead'

THE government has announced it is scrapping waiting time targets for A&E and will instead consider it a success if some patients survive.

Woman realises at least work stops her snacking

A WOMAN who hates her job has realised that it does at least stop her eating all the time she is awake.

Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain

BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.

New jogger doing it all wrong

A MAN who has just started jogging is doing absolutely everything wrong.

Heroic man cycles to work even when it's raining

A TOTAL hero still cycles to work even when it is cold and raining, he has confirmed.

NHS gone

BRITAIN is watching the National Health Service being replaced by signs promising that an exciting new health provider is coming soon.