Your vagina is not a kitchen, women told

WOMEN who want to redesign their front bottom were last night reminded that it's not actually a kitchen.

Women Blame Nightmares On Rectal Gas

SLEEPING next to 18 stone of relentlessly guffing middle-aged water buffalo can cause nightmares, research suggests.

Everyone Dead By Teatime

THE greatest experiment in the history of physics will begin this morning, followed shortly after by your horrifyingly painful death.

Rubbing Groin And Staring Boosts Sex Appeal

RUBBING your groin and inner thigh while staring at women makes you more sexually attractive, according to a new study.

Obeying Chris Moyles Now Number One Cause Of Hospital Admissions

DOING everything Chris Moyles tells you to do is now the UK's biggest cause of accident and emergency cases.

David Duchovny Has His Cake And Shags It

X-FILES star David Duchovny last night became the latest Hollywood star to have sex with countless women and then claim he was not right in the head.

A Plate Of Cancer Please, Says Britain

BRITAIN sat down this morning and ordered itself a huge plate of fried cancer with mushrooms and baked beans. 

Government Finally Agrees To Stop People Going Blind

THE department of health last night grudgingly agreed to stop people going blind for no reason.