Health

Fat People Squashing NHS Equipment

THE NHS is in imminent danger of collapse because skilled staff and vital equipment are being squashed flat by obese people, a new report warns. 

Pregnant Women To Receive Gigantic Carrot

EVERY pregnant woman in Britain is to be given a 16 foot-long carrot, the government has announced.

Teenage Boozers Thoroughly Enjoying Themselves

TEENAGE binge drinkers are having a great time getting totally wrecked with their mates and generally having a huge laugh, a new study has found.

All Parents Killing Their Children Say Government

EVERY parent in Britain is to be charged with the attempted murder of their own offspring under the latest Government proposals to combat child obesity.

Brain Surgery Exams 'Too Hard' Says Government

Brain surgery exams are to be made much easier because not enough people are applying to become brain surgeons, the Government has announced.

Fat Kids To Be Chased To School By Dogs

CARS are to be banned from the school run and children chased to their classes by angry dogs under new Government plans to eliminate childhood obesity by 2010. 

Huge Rise In Skin Caused By Bad Lifestyle Choices


THE incidence of skin in Britain has soared dramatically in recent years and our hedonistic modern lifestyles are largely to blame, doctors insisted last night.

Crocs Link To Smugness And Idiocy

WEARING Crocs shoes will transform you from a normal adult into a horribly self-satisfied and “self-consciously whacky tosser”, leading doctors warned last night.

One Billionth Dental Product Launched

IT'S been billed as the biggest event in a generation for people with mouths.

Cannabis Now Worse Than The Nazis

CANNABIS is now more evil than the Nazis and smoking the drug is worse for the brain than watching Richard Madeley on television, new research suggests.

Sitting Causes Arse Cancer, Say Docs

SITTING down dramatically increases the risk of arse cancer and should be regulated under strict new laws, doctors decided last night. 

Property Value More Important Than My Kids, Say 92% Of Homeowners

HOMEOWNERS in the UK are more interested in the value of their house than in the fate of their own children, according to a new survey.