Health

Smokers banned from looking at cigarettes while smoking

SMOKERS will have to hold a large piece of card over their face so they cannot look at the cigarette they are smoking, ministers said last night.

If Only I Really Was Stuart Little, Says Michael J. Fox

HOLLYWOOD superstar Michael J. Fox last night complained that he would have been cured of his Parkinson’s disease by now if he really was a mouse.

Fill Up The Boot With Cats, Say Britain's Fatties

PET shops all over Britain have been besieged by fat men demanding their car boots be filled up with cats. 

GPs Urge Government To Confirm Online Banking Details

DOCTORS are urging the government to confirm its online banking details before account access is suspended.

Put Up The Price Of Everything, Says Tesco

TESCO is demanding the government brings in tough new measures to increase the price of everything, its chief executive said last night. 

Use Coma Patients As Draught Excluders, Says Minister

COMA patients should not be signed off sick as they can perform light tasks such as draught exclusion, the health minister Alan Johnson has announced.

Rizlas To Carry Cannabis Tedium Warning

RIZLA cigarette papers are to carry warnings that excessive cannabis smoking makes you incredibly boring and likely to bore others around you.

'Any Chance Of You Working For Five Minutes?' GPs Asked

THE Department of Health has written to GPs in England and Wales asking them if they wouldn't mind doing a bit of work, just for five minutes.