SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.
A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.
FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.
FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.
AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.
THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.
AS the rate of skin cancer increases amongst young women, doctors have called for a nationwide information campaign starring creosoted glamour model Jodie Marsh.
DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.