Health

Working Mums Prefer White Wine To Childcare, Says Study

MOTHERS who work are happier than those who stay at home because they can have liquid lunches and don't have to spend time with their kids, according to a new report.

Bra Research Must Go On, Vows Scientist

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades. 

Britain Urged To Use A F*cking Hanky

AS cold and flu season takes hold across the nation millions of sufferers have been told to use a hanky or just fuck right off.

Mitsubishi In Global Arse Recall

MILLIONS of arses manufactured by the industrial giant Mitsubishi are being recalled after a series of catastrophic bottom failures, it emerged last night.

Flapping Your Gums All Day Is Not Exercise, Women Told

EXERCISE rates among women have plummeted after doctors said talking and talking and talking all bloody day no longer counts.

Alcohol Is A Corrupting Influence On The Poor, Insists Ladies Temperance League

THE drinking of alcoholic liquer prevents the poor from carrying out their duties and if left unchecked will hasten the demise of the Empire, the Ladies Temperance League has warned.

Energy Cocktails Make You Shag All Night, Doctors Warn

MIXING alcohol with energy drinks stops you from falling asleep in discos and makes you fornicate like a rabbit, leading doctors warned last night.

Police To Wear Hairnets While Shooting Suspects In The Face

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

Leave bacon out of this, health experts warned

HEALTH experts have been issued with a 'final warning' after advising consumers to give up bacon.

Ulster Police Deafened By Catholic Screams

YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.

Getting Drunk And Urinating On Your Boss's Desk Is Not Your Fault, Say Experts

PEOPLE who get drunk and then empty their bladder on and around their boss's workspace are the victims of 21st century society, a major study has revealed.

Britain Hit By Obscenity Epidemic

BRITAIN is in the middle of an obscenity epidemic with most people expected to be foul-mouthed ‘fuckers’ by 2050, according to latest government estimates.