Health

Chief Medical Officer Denies Links To Skunk Industry

BRITAIN'S chief medical officer was last night forced to deny links to the international skunk trade after calling for the price of alcohol to be doubled.

Is It Time To Tax The Shit Out Of Doctors?

DOCTORS should be taxed every time they open their fat, smug, overpaid mouths, it was claimed last night.

Injecting Foul Smelling Gas Directly Into Your Penis Will Improve Sex Life, Say Experts

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

NHS To Use Staples For Everything

THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.

Try Not To Eat Liquid Cobalt, Say Nutritionists

EXPERTS last night removed eggs from the list of proscribed foodstuffs, but added a series of new mouth-based dangers including deep-fried bees, iron filings and industrial-grade liquid cobalt.

Would You Like To See Our Balls? Ask Jamaicans

THE men of Jamaica last night offered to show the world their incredibly healthy balls.

Masturbation deadly

MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study.  

Daily alcohol limits not really working for us, say drinkers

RECOMMENDED daily limits on alcohol are really not doing it for us, drinkers have confirmed.

Doctors Recommend Kebabs For High Testicle Content

THE doner kebab is a nutritious snack filled with zinc and proteins from the compacted shavings of at least 14 different varieties of testicle, doctors said last night.

Women Hard-Wired For Cake

WOMEN'S brains are hard-wired for cake, new research shows.

Complementary Therapists To Be Regulated By Witch Doctor

STRICT standards must be applied to alternative medicine, according to the voodoo priest who will run the UK's complementary therapy watchdog.

Clubbers Ditch Ketamine For Elephant Tranquilisers

YOUNG Britons are switching to elephant-based drugs after the horse tranquiliser Ketamine was officially designated as so last week.