Health

Fitness tracker a lying piece of shit

A FITNESS tracking band which counts steps and heartrate is actually a lying piece of shit, according to its owner. 

Woman who gave up sugar confirms that all savoury things are healthy

A WOMAN who gave up sugar for health reasons thinks cheese is a good replacement because it is savoury.

40-something asks GP to test for whether he's still relevant

A MIDDLE-AGED man has reluctantly decided he should ask his doctor to check whether he is still trendy.

Man still thinks he's slim

A MAN who has put on a fair bit of weight over the years still sees himself as a slim, attractive 20-something, it has emerged.

A 'freakshake' is not Rees-Mogg being tasered, stress health campaigners

HEALTH campaigners have stressed that a 'freakshake' is not Jacob Rees-Mogg juddering uncontrollably as hundreds of volts surge through his body.

Also, you shouldn't have a milkshake with a cake in it because it doesn't work, say experts

'FREAKSHAKES' should be banned because of their sugar content and because they are ridiculous and undrinkable, experts have confirmed.

Public urged to learn DIY surgery in run up to NHS winter crisis

THE government has urged the public to learn the basics of DIY surgery ahead of the annual NHS winter crisis.

GP's receptionist admits every single appointment is a personal defeat

A DOCTOR'S receptionist takes every single patient who successfully manages to see a doctor as a painful personal defeat, she has admitted.

Secret to happiness is judging people in supermarket queues

MAKING sweeping judgements about other people’s lives based entirely on their shopping is the key to personal happiness, it has been confirmed.

Being on Facebook not a medical qualification, idiots told

OWNING a Facebook account does not mean you can give all your friends dodgy medical advice, doctors have warned.

Britain to get laid-back, breezy Australian cigarette warnings after Brexit

BRITISH tobacco warnings will be replaced by Australian ‘You probably won’t get cancer, mate, but go easy in case’ warnings in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Woman reaches 10,000 steps at door of chippy

A WOMAN has congratulated herself on hitting her daily goal of 10,000 steps by going on a special excursion to the chip shop.