Middle-aged man with hefty boobs still calling them 'pecs'

A MIDDLE aged man still believes his manboobs are just well-developed pectoral muscles.

Man disappointed 'self-care' doesn't involve more wanking

A MAN has been disappointed to find that ‘self-care’ does not involve much, or in fact any, masturbation.

Woman unable to go running because her headphones are broken

A WOMAN was forced to abandon her plans to go for a run after discovering her headphones were broken.

Man thinks everyone is genuinely interested in how much water he drinks

A MAN is convinced his newfound commitment to drinking lots of water is genuinely interesting to other people.

Right age to lose virginity 'no more than 18 months after you've claimed to'

A SURVEY of British sexual attitudes suggests that the best age to lose your virginity is within 18 months of lying about it to all your mates.

We've waived our completely made-up fee that pays for literally nothing, say gyms

GYMS are generously waiving the £125 joining fee they usually charge for absolutely nothing, they have confirmed.

Man pretty sure he can see muscles after six sit-ups

A MAN is convinced he is developing new muscles an implausibly short time after starting a feeble new fitness regime.

Fitness tracker a lying piece of shit

A FITNESS tracking band which counts steps and heartrate is actually a lying piece of shit, according to its owner. 

Woman who gave up sugar confirms that all savoury things are healthy

A WOMAN who gave up sugar for health reasons thinks cheese is a good replacement because it is savoury.

40-something asks GP to test for whether he's still relevant

A MIDDLE-AGED man has reluctantly decided he should ask his doctor to check whether he is still trendy.

Man still thinks he's slim

A MAN who has put on a fair bit of weight over the years still sees himself as a slim, attractive 20-something, it has emerged.

A 'freakshake' is not Rees-Mogg being tasered, stress health campaigners

HEALTH campaigners have stressed that a 'freakshake' is not Jacob Rees-Mogg juddering uncontrollably as hundreds of volts surge through his body.