Five signs you're going stir-crazy

YOU'VE been stuck in the house for what feels like, what, 30 years now? So, there's a good chance that you've started to go stir crazy. Here's five signs to look out for.

Plan to get ripped with Joe Wicks abandoned after three days

A WOMAN’S plan to get fit with Joe Wicks has been abandoned after a mere three days and must never be spoken of again. 

Take the government's COVID-19 test

DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out.

Social distancing doesn't apply to us, joggers confirm

MAINTAINING a distance of two metres from other people applies to everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.

The lazy bastard's guide to exercising at home

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

Britons now calling it the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus'

THE UK is now referring to the coronavirus as the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus', or will also accept 'COVID-bastard-19'.

Boris Johnson's guide to self-isolating

BUGGER. This is terribly bad news for both me and the country, but mainly me. Here’s how I intend to send the coronavirus packing.

How to keep your boomer relatives indoors

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.

Gammons demand referendum on telling the coronavirus to sod off

BRITAIN’S gammons have called for a referendum to tell the coronavirus to get lost like we did with the EU.

Five incredibly stupid things you shouldn't be doing right now

LOOKING to get an iconic photo of yourself posing in front of an empty city? Stop and do not do that, you ignorant prick. Resist the temptation to do these things too. 

The symptoms of being a selfish bastard, by chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty

I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards.

Loo roll aisles to be turned into intensive care beds

UNUSED supermarket aisles that once, long ago, contained toilet paper could be repurposed as pop-up intensive care units.