THE government will today announce a new set of regional Covid restrictions, all of which are different and none of which are comprehensible. Here they are:
SPENDING an afternoon queuing in an airport car park to be tested for Covid-19 is the best day out of 2020, families have agreed.
With casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.
A WOMAN on a health kick has supplemented her juice diet by blending an entire Brie, along with two packets of Wotsits and some ham.
THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid.
THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate.
THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.
A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.
RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.
HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.
PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.
HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.