Health

Listening To Sting Makes Wine Taste Like Tramp’s Piss

LISTENING to any record by Sting while drinking wine will make even the finest vintage taste like rancid tramp's urine, research reveals.

Sharp Fall In Wives Worth Having Sex With, Says Relate

THE number of wives still worth having sexual intercourse with has fallen to an all-time low, marriage experts have announced.

One In Four Teens Pretending To Be Depressed

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals. 

Eating Special 'K' Linked To Girly Boys

WOMEN who eat Special 'K' around the time of conception are more likely to have a boy, but it will be a girly boy, according to new research.

Women Find It Harder To Quit Smoking During Periods, Says Insensitive Prick

WOMEN stand a greater chance of giving up smoking if they quit before their period starts, according to some ignorant bastard who can just fuck off and die.

Bulimia Not The Same As Being A Greedy Bastard, Say Doctors

DOCTORS last night attempted to end of confusion over the symptoms of bulimia, stressing it was not the same as being a big, greedy bastard.

'E-Numbers Make My Children Hilarious'

PARENTS across Britain have reacted angrily to the European ban on food colourings, claiming artificial ingredients make their children funnier and more interesting.

Most NHS Staff Happy To Watch You Die

MOST NHS doctors and nurses are happy for you to choke on a biscuit while they play cards and watch videos, according to a new staff survey.

Tranquilisers Replace Television As World’s Favourite Childminder

CRUSHING anti-psychotic drugs into some yogurt has replaced television as the world's most popular method of child care, new research shows. 

Smokers banned from looking at cigarettes while smoking

SMOKERS will have to hold a large piece of card over their face so they cannot look at the cigarette they are smoking, ministers said last night.

If Only I Really Was Stuart Little, Says Michael J. Fox

HOLLYWOOD superstar Michael J. Fox last night complained that he would have been cured of his Parkinson’s disease by now if he really was a mouse.

Fill Up The Boot With Cats, Say Britain's Fatties

PET shops all over Britain have been besieged by fat men demanding their car boots be filled up with cats.