Health

Giving Birth 'A Doddle' Says Government

CHILDBIRTH is to be made longer and more painful amid fresh claims it has been 'dumbed-down' to meet Government targets.

Personal Superbugs For All, Pledges Johnson

EVERY NHS patient will be allocated a hospital acquired infection with their name on it, under government plans for a personal health service. 

Millions Suffer From Carol Vorderman Intolerance

MILLIONS of people in the UK have a genuine intolerance for Carol Vorderman, new research suggests.

Opal Fruits Count Towards Five-A-Day, Confirm Experts

DIETARY experts have moved to end confusion over healthy eating by confirming that a packet of Opal Fruits does count towards the five-a-day target.

Livingtv Fans 'Already Dead' Say Docs

THE definition of the moment of death is to be redrawn to include anyone watching the cable television channel LivingTV, doctors announced last night. 

Fat People Squashing NHS Equipment

THE NHS is in imminent danger of collapse because skilled staff and vital equipment are being squashed flat by obese people, a new report warns. 

Pregnant Women To Receive Gigantic Carrot

EVERY pregnant woman in Britain is to be given a 16 foot-long carrot, the government has announced.

Teenage Boozers Thoroughly Enjoying Themselves

TEENAGE binge drinkers are having a great time getting totally wrecked with their mates and generally having a huge laugh, a new study has found.