BBC To Offer More Crone-Based Programming

HAGS and crones will take centre stage in the BBC's spring schedule as the corporation announces a big increase in witch-themed programming.

Typical Lunch Box More Nutritious Than Its Contents

THE average school lunch box now contains at least three items that, technically, are not food, according to a new survey.

Daily Mail Readers Being Fed Through A Tube

A GROWING number of Daily Mail readers are being fed through a tube to save money, doctors claimed last night.

Fat People Still Need To Be Told

MOST fat people still have no idea that they are fat despite the overwhelming quantity of visual evidence, according to a new report.

Drinkers Keep Faith With Bullshit Hangover Cures

MOST people still cling to the belief that you can drink four bottles of cheap red wine and feel fine the next day if you have a special magic breakfast, according to a new survey.

Children Must Work Off Cost Of Flu Jab, Say Docs

CHILDREN under five who receive swine flu vaccinations will have to work for their local GP until the debt is paid, it emerged last night.

Ten In Ten Homeopathic Prescriptions Contain Mistakes

A SURVEY of prescriptions written by homeopathic practitioners has found that 10 out of every 10 is riddled with unscientific garbage, according to a new study.

Mika's Voice Can Cure Cancer, Say Docs

A PATIENT suffering from colon cancer has become the first to have their tumour destroyed by Mika's voice, it was confirmed last night.

Drinkers Abandon Exercise For Some More Drinking

RESEARCH showing that exercise cannot combat the effects of excessive alcohol has caused thousands of drinkers to decide not to bother.

Cancer Patients Must Win Drugs At Gypsy Fair

CANCER patients denied a life-extending drug on the NHS will be given the chance to win it by shooting at some tin cans with a wonky air gun.

Nursing Degree Will Make British Hospitals Deadliest In The World, Pledges NHS

NURSES are to undergo a rigorous three-year degree as the NHS launches a new drive to kill people more efficiently.

Child Anvil Injuries At Record High

VIOLENCE in cartoons is causing children to drop massive anvils on each others' heads, stockpile TNT or mess around with huge magnets, a new report has warned.