Health

Childline Tells Potter Fans To F*ck Off

CHILDLINE, the charity for abused children, will tell distraught Harry Potter fans, upset at the ending of the final book, to 'fuck right off'.

Cannabis Users Face Grooviness Test

FROM next April all potential users of cannabis will have to sit a government-approved grooviness test.

'C' Branded World's Most Pathetic Vitamin

VITAMIN C has been relegated from the premier league of nutritional compounds after another scathing attack on its performance.

British Doctors To Buy Their Own Country

THE collective wealth of Britain's doctors is now so vast that they have clubbed together to buy Croatia.

Bomb Doctors Struck Off For Working Saturdays

FOREIGN bomb doctors have brought "disgrace" on their profession by breaching rules on out of hours work, according to the British Medical Association.

'Go To Work On An Egg' Advert Banned For Safety Reasons

THE Health and Safety Executive has vetoed the classic 'Go to Work on an Egg' commercial amid fears commuters could injure themselves while trying to sit on their breakfast.

'Stop Being Ill', Demand Doctors

DOCTORS have better things to do than treat ill people, according to a new report from the British Medical Association.

Government To Tackle Binge-W*nking

THE legal age for masturbation is to be raised to 18 as part of a series of measures aimed at tackling binge-wanking among teenage boys.