Health

'Stop Being Ill', Demand Doctors

DOCTORS have better things to do than treat ill people, according to a new report from the British Medical Association.

Government To Tackle Binge-W*nking

THE legal age for masturbation is to be raised to 18 as part of a series of measures aimed at tackling binge-wanking among teenage boys.

Minister Tells Middle Classes: Buy A Bong

MIDDLE class people looking to get "off their tits" should give up wine and smoke drugs "like everyone else", health minister Caroline Flint said last night. 

Men With Small Penises Mourn Spam King Arrest

MILLIONS of men with small penises and their wives were last night plunged into despair after the US announced it had arrested the so-called spam king of the internet. 

Absolutely Everything Can Kill You, Warns Department Of Health

EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.

Wonder Drug Boosts Desire For Sex And Chips

SCIENTISTS have discovered a wonder drug that increases women’s appetite for sexual intimacy and fast food.

White Wine 'Good For Getting You Fired' Say Docs

DRINKING four or five large glasses of white wine at an office night out increases your chances of being sacked by up to 80 per cent, new research shows.

Cillit Bang to run NHS

POWERFUL household cleaner Cillit Bang has been awarded a five year contract to run the National Health Service.