How to ignore all common sense with the 'rule of six'

WORRIED you may still trust your own judgement rather than blindly following instructions from renowned logician Boris Johnson? Try these hypothetical scenarios: 

The Guardian reader's guide to breaking up a rave

AS a socially responsible Guardian reader, it’s your duty to prevent young people harming themselves at weekend raves. But how? Here are your questions answered.

Search is on to find someone who believes in this Moonshot cockrot

RIGHT-WING journalists are scouring the country in a desperate attempt to find anyone who believes in Boris Johnson’s ‘moonshot’. 

Thank f**k for that, say people planning nights out in Bolton

BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.

Trains to introduce 'anti-mask wanker only' carriages

RAIL operators are to protect passengers with brain cells by introducing carriages exclusively for twats who refuse to wear face masks.

Woman using homeopathy to treat coronavirus thinks vaccines are dangerous

A WOMAN using homeopathy to treat the coronavirus she has caught is glad she was not vaccinated against it because it might be dangerous.

Think of back-to-school as a big science experiment, government tells parents

THE government has told worried parents to think of their children returning to a possibly deadly school environment as an exciting science project.

Dying of coronavirus as unlikely as owning your own home, millennials reassured

FOR Britons aged between 25 and 39 the chance of dying from coronavirus is as remote as one day owning property, the government has reassured.

Calm the f**k down, says dog who's eaten chocolate

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out.

The Tories' completely confusing guide to masks in schools

THE government has been criticised for making a total dog’s dinner of its mask policy for schools. Here is the latest official advice on wearing them, or maybe not bothering.

£13 a day for saying you're ill and staying in sure to go smoothly, says Matt Hancock

THE health secretary has confirmed there is no way paying people £13 a day for saying they are ill and staying at home could ever go wrong. 

Irritating woman not content with just one sneeze

A WOMAN has decided that doing a single sneeze is not bringing her nearly enough attention.