Health

Consuming whatever you want secret to happy life and early death

RESEARCH has confirmed that consuming whatever you like, from steak to whiskey to cigarettes, will give you a largely happy and considerably shorter life.

What sort of anti-vaccine halfwit are you?

ARE you furious about plans to give the cancer-preventing HPV vaccine to 12-year-old boys? Find out exactly what type of anti-science b*llend you are.

How to use a public toilet without sitting on it

DOES the idea of placing your bare buttocks where a stranger’s bare buttocks have been make you shudder?

Cutest babies the worst sleepers, scientists confirm

ADORABLE babies wake up screaming far more frequently and loudly than their uglier peers, researchers have found.

Plan to get ripped for summer put off until August

A MAN’S plans to get himself a beach-ready six-pack in time for summer have been postponed until August at the absolute latest.

Six ways to patronise people giving up smoking

ARE you an interfering sod who’s never seriously smoked who nonetheless offers advice to anyone trying to give up? Try these:

Man off sick considering a wank

A MAN who is ill in bed and feeling miserable is wondering whether a wank might help.

We're just Calpol-ing the shit out of this, admit parents of young children

THE parents of young children have admitted they are just going to Calpol their way through the next five years.

Made-up medicine works on made-up illnesses

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective among people who have nothing wrong with them.

Have you got a totally lame addiction?

IT’S currently normal to claim you’ve got an addiction when really it’s just something you like doing. See if you are suffering from any of these bullshit addictions.

Living in a big glass tube 'can add 40 years to your life'

ABANDONING the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

Darth Vader 'was just vaping'

DARTH Vader’s harsh respiratory sounds were caused by vaping Blueberry Ice, according to a new documentary.