Health

The crap parent's guide to homeschooling your kids

WITH the nation’s schools shutting their doors tomorrow, parents are going “Oh shit” as they prepare to educate their spawn at home. Here’s how to do it with the minimum of effort.

Man with slight cough on bus stared at like survivor hiding zombie bite

A MAN on the bus with a slight cough is being stared at by other passengers like a survivor of the zombie apocalypse hiding a bite.

Man reveals five-year plan to lose five pounds

A 35-YEAR-OLD man has unveiled an ambitious plan to lose five pounds by his 40th birthday.

Which tedious twats can you avoid now you're 'social distancing'?

YOU’VE been wanting to drop some tedious friends and family members for a while and coronavirus is the perfect excuse. Here are the people to get rid of with ‘social distancing’.

What are the next hot items to hoard in your garage?

TOILET roll is so last week. Pasta is basically over. Here are the hot items all the food hoarders are buying multiples of right now.

The Telegraph guide to blaming lefties for the coronavirus

THE stock market has crashed and Brexit is under threat. It must be the fault of left-wing do-gooders. Here’s how to give them all the blame.

The Wetherspoons customer's guide to surviving coronavirus

IT’S the ultimate nightmare scenario - your local Spoons being shut. Here regular Roy Hobbs explains what to do during the coronavirus crisis.

The next six counterproductive steps Trump will take to fight the coronavirus

PRESIDENT Trump has already advised Americans to keep going to work and banned Europeans who don’t speak English. What will he get wrong next? 

The alternative medicine practitioner's guide to coronavirus

DO you feel the coronavirus is better tackled with St John’s Wort than modern medicine? Here alternative health therapist Donna Sheridan gives her advice.

Hipster claiming to have COVID-18

A HIPSTER is claiming to have contracted the small-batch artisanal coronavirus strain COVID-18.

Woman into apple cider vinegar now giving full medical consultations

A WOMAN who evangelises about apple cider vinegar on Facebook is suddenly more of a medical authority than your actual doctor.

What to wipe your a*se with during the toilet paper crisis

HAS the coronavirus made everyone freak out and stockpile all the toilet paper from your local Asda? Here’s what to use instead.