Health

Are you a 'fake virus' conspiracy twat?

DO you believe coronavirus is part of some impossibly complicated conspiracy? Take our test and find out if your brains have fallen out.

Six things we'd know about pandemics if our history lessons weren't so obsessed with the Nazis

EPIDEMICS and pandemics are nothing new, though Britain knows nothing about them because the only history it’s interested in is the bit with Hitler. Useful facts:

We always treat outsiders as if they're disease-ridden, confirm country folk

RURAL people have a long tradition of hating outsiders regardless of coronavirus, they have explained.

Five things 'staying alert' obviously won't protect you from

THE government claims ‘staying alert’ will protect us from coronavirus, even though it’s clearly bollocks. Here are some more things the vacuous new slogan won’t protect you from.

Teachers get chance to be heroes by risking death for f**k all pay

TEACHERS will get to be pandemic heroes by risking death for salaries which do not in any way reflect that.

Why all Londoners should walk 20 miles to work, by a bloke in Lincoln

PHOTOS of Londoners cramming onto tube trains are sickening me, a man who lives and works in a small cathedral city three hours’ drive away. 

Can my cleaner visit my mum? Matt Hancock answers your hypothetical questions

THE relaxation of lockdown has many Britons asking questions just to be argumentative and cause trouble. I’ll grudgingly answer a few here.

Man staying alert for 0.125 micron-sized threat

A MAN is watching out for objects 400 times smaller than can be seen with the naked eye so as not to catch coronavirus.

The bits of the exit plan the Government hasn't mentioned yet

WITH a clear, common sense exit plan in place, things will gradually get back to normal. Right?

Exactly how fat are you going to end up?

SEVEN weeks into staying in all day with nothing to do but eat, we’re all already fat. But how much fatter will you get?

Masks should be compulsory, says man feeling like twat because nobody else is wearing one

A MAN who feels like a right knobhead for being the only person in Asda wearing a mask has argued they should be made compulsory.

Absolute bellend to hold house party for other bellends

A COMPLETE twat is preparing to celebrate the easing of lockdown with a gathering of likeminded knobheads at his house.