Health

Obese children less of a problem than the twats moaning about them

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

Grey-haired dead-eyed morning Wetherspoons drinker only 28

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged.

Runny eggs no longer dangerous but still utterly disgusting

BRITONS are not at risk of salmonella from eating runny eggs though they will still sicken anyone forced to watch, a watchdog has confirmed.

Government recommends watching 'Doctors' instead of using NHS

THE government has told people to watch BBC soap Doctors before calling their GP just in case the show includes a storyline about their condition.

Woman decides not to challenge racist bikini waxer

A WOMAN who believes in calling out prejudice in any situation decided not to say anything to the bigoted beauty therapist removing her pubic hair.

Tories unveil brilliant 'Porridge for Breakfast' policy

THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast.

Smokers reclaim rightful ownership of beer gardens

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

Man accidentally joins conversation about Mooncups

A 31 YEAR-OLD man has been left with post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally joining female colleagues in a conversation about Mooncups.

Couple who ‘only smoke when drinking’ drinking a lot

A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends have noticed.

Obese people just need cookery classes, claims patronising arsehole

DOCTORS have been ordered to refer obese patients to cookery classes by a horrendously patronising posh arsehole in government somewhere.

Women go off sex because it's silly

WOMEN lose interest in sex during long-term relationships because the whole thing is just silly, a survey has found.

Former raver can no longer handle Red Bull

A MIDDLE-AGED former raver can no longer cope with the physical and psychological effects of a can of Red Bull, he has admitted.