'Don't buy matching outdoor jackets' and other anti-ageing tips

IS ageing inevitable or can you stave it off by avoiding the pitfalls of older people obsessed with gardening and the past? These tips are all worth a try.

Public reminded not to leave goths in hot cars

THE public has been reminded they should never leave goths alone in a car on a hot day because it can be fatal.

Dad would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water

A DAD would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water, he has confirmed.

Ponciest areas of London placed in permanent lockdown

THE ponciest areas of London are to be placed in permanent lockdown, it has been confirmed.

Leicester, Aberdeen, Preston: will the shithole you live in be locked down next?

FOLLOWING rumours that Preston could be the latest of the UK’s piss-stain conurbations to be locked down, the residents of Britain’s shitholes fear they could be next.

Track-and-trace team finally gets in touch with Boris Johnson

THE UK’s world-beating track-and-trace team has contacted Boris Johnson to inform him that he tested positive for coronavirus in March.

Greater Manchester alert level raised from well bad to fookin' 'angin'

A RISE in Covid-19 cases has forced Greater Manchester to raise its alert level from well bad to fookin’ ‘angin’.

Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced.

Government advice versus actual life-saving advice: how do they compare?

IT’S the daily dilemma we face. Do we listen to the badly thought-out, science-free recommendations of Johnson and Hancock, or listen to the experts? Let’s find out. 

The six stages of becoming an anti-mask dickhead

EVER wondered how someone turns goes from normal to ranting about ‘muzzles’? Here are the stages that take them there.

Has your cat got coronavirus or is it just an arsehole?

IF your cat is behaving in a strange, antisocial way, it may have coronavirus or could just be a selfish little bastard as usual. Take the test...

You don't need a mask if you're only picking up a few bits, shoppers inform staff

SHOPPERS at convenience stores have advised staff that there is no need for them to wear masks if they are buying ten items or less.