Health

Only thing that causes cancer is fags, Britain tells scientists

SMOKING is the only thing that causes cancer and everything else is fine, Britain has told annoying scientists.

Woman hires Mafia hitman to execute her if she doesn’t stick to diet

A WOMAN has ensured she will keep to her health regime by paying a hitman to shoot her if she fails to lose three stone by the end of June.

Man using ‘We’re pregnant’ as excuse to be a lazy arse

AN EXPECTANT father is using it as an excuse to get out of doing anything he can not be bothered to do, friends have confirmed.

5 diets guaranteed to make you unspeakably tedious!

Do you want to become a fit, thin, dreadful twat? Here are a few popular ways to lose weight and the will to live in just a few weeks!

Detox doing bugger all

A 43-YEAR-OLD man doing a detox to feel better has admitted that, 11 days in, it appears to be doing absolutely fuck all.

Women demand equal flu to men

WOMEN should have the right to over exaggerate minor colds and be mocked for it just the same as men, campaigners have claimed.

Mummy drinking whole bottle of grown-up Ribena before teatime

MUMMIES are very thirsty for their special Ribena in the afternoon, children have confirmed.

Awful man likes to keep in shape 'for sex'

A COMPLETELY awful man likes to tell people that his frequent visits to the gym make him better at sex.  

Co-workers could stop coughing if they really wanted to

CO-WORKERS have been told they do not have to cough as much as they are coughing and that they are probably doing it for attention.

Jeremy Hunt’s guide to surviving the NHS

GOING to hospital? That’s your right as a British citizen, until further notice, but before you step past the smokers at the doors you should know what the risks are.

I too have had never-ending bastard of a cold all Christmas, confirms everyone

DELIGHTED colleagues have confirmed that every single one of them has had the horrendous cold that never stops over the whole of Christmas.

Parents urged to stop wasting nice food on crap children

PARENTS have been urged to stop wasting healthy, home-cooked food on their dreadful children.