Health

'They’ve got a vaccine,' and five other reasons to do whatever you want

WITH a possible vaccine possibly on the horizon, it’s time to ignore all official advice on the pandemic and do whatever you like. Try these excuses:

Woman in bad mood for last six years blaming it on period

A WOMAN who has not found anything positive in any aspect of her life or the world since 2014 has blamed it all on her period.

Why, as a gammon, I am medically unable to wear a facemask

FACEMASKS are compulsory in shops from July 24, but many senior Brexiters are unable to comply on medical grounds. Roy Hobbs explains why:

Amazing man can run 10k without being sponsored

A MAN has shown that is humanly possible to run for 10km without first telling the world about it on Facebook with a link to a JustGiving page.

Why shops are infectious but pubs aren't, by Matt Hancock

BEAR with me; I only found out about this mask decision five minutes ago and now I’m in front of the cameras justifying it. F**king Boris.

The f**king idiot's guide to why you shouldn't wear a face mask

OUTRAGED at the idea of strapping a life-saving piece of cloth to your face? Here’s how to justify your pointless opposition to face masks.

COVID-themed chat-up lines that won't get you anywhere

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

Gyms, swimming pools and other fetid death traps to reopen this month

THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.

Face masks make me look stupid, says man wearing Crocs

A MAN who leaves the house in brightly coloured plastic clogs refuses to wear protective face masks because he thinks they make him look stupid.

Tired or old? Take our quiz

ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now?

Couple who don't want to send their kids to school off to the beach this weekend

A COUPLE angry they will be fined if they do not send their kids to school are looking forward to a visit to a busy beach.

Leicester wants lockdown rules translated into indecipherable slang

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.