Health

Coronavirus still coming down from weekend at rave

THE coronavirus has admitted it has changed its outlook on life after spending Saturday night in a field near Oldham out of its box on E.

Matt Hancock's guide to saying nothing whatsoever at daily press briefings

ARE you wondering how the government’s daily briefings manage to be quite so pointless? Here is the Q&A document used by Matt Hancock or whoever gets the short straw that day.

Kids reach 'f**k this shit' stage of lockdown

CHILDREN who have been at home for the past 12 weeks have sacked off schooling to concentrate on being a pain in the arse.

Woman obsessively social distancing for months going for haircut moment it's possible

A WOMAN who has barely left the house in months because she is paranoid about coronavirus will f**k it all off for a haircut, she has confirmed.

How to brush off a public cough

ARE you at risk of attracting horrified stares by coughing in public? Here’s how to style it out.

Brits immune to coronavirus after four pints

PEOPLE develop immunity to coronavirus after consuming four pints of beer, drunk people have confirmed.

All the people your elderly parents have had round while they've been isolating

YOUR elderly parents are in a high-risk group so they haven't left the house or let anyone in for the last 10 weeks. Apart from the following:

Masks to be compulsory for the poor, government announces

THE government has ordered anyone who uses public transport, shops at Asda or whose home is in council tax bands A-C to wear facemasks. 

Leaving shopping bags unpacked for three days and other things you no longer bother doing

AS lockdown eases it was clearly no biggie and there’s every reason for complacency. Here are some things everyone has stopped doing now COVID-19 has been sent packing.

MPs returning to parliament dangerous but f**k 'em, key workers agree

NHS workers and supermarket staff have agreed that as they are risking their lives then the MPs who order them to can bloody well do the same.

16 injured in this weekend's eye tests

SIXTEEN Britons have injured themselves this weekend in complications relating to the new eye-testing system, police have confirmed.

Daily walks are boring as shit, admit Britons

PEOPLE in Britain have admitted that their daily walks are really f**king boring now.