Health

Adult kids treat mum to phone call telling her to stay inside for Mother's Day

THE CHILDREN of a 65-year-old woman are celebrating her years of selfless love by not going to see her this Mother’s Day.

Coronavirus: are you judging others enough?

EVERYONE knows how important it is to wash your hands and stay indoors, but are you also judging other people’s activities enough? Try these:

Toddlers to retrain as paramedics

CHILDREN aged between two and 12 who are immune to the coronavirus are to train as frontline healthcare staff.

Five excellent upsides to the coronavirus crisis

CAN you remember the last time anyone mentioned Brexit? Despite the misery of coronavirus maybe it’s not all bad. Here are some more silver linings.

The crap parent's guide to homeschooling your kids

WITH the nation’s schools shutting their doors tomorrow, parents are going “Oh shit” as they prepare to educate their spawn at home. Here’s how to do it with the minimum of effort.

Man with slight cough on bus stared at like survivor hiding zombie bite

A MAN on the bus with a slight cough is being stared at by other passengers like a survivor of the zombie apocalypse hiding a bite.

Man reveals five-year plan to lose five pounds

A 35-YEAR-OLD man has unveiled an ambitious plan to lose five pounds by his 40th birthday.

Which tedious twats can you avoid now you're 'social distancing'?

YOU’VE been wanting to drop some tedious friends and family members for a while and coronavirus is the perfect excuse. Here are the people to get rid of with ‘social distancing’.

What are the next hot items to hoard in your garage?

TOILET roll is so last week. Pasta is basically over. Here are the hot items all the food hoarders are buying multiples of right now.

The Telegraph guide to blaming lefties for the coronavirus

THE stock market has crashed and Brexit is under threat. It must be the fault of left-wing do-gooders. Here’s how to give them all the blame.

The Wetherspoons customer's guide to surviving coronavirus

IT’S the ultimate nightmare scenario - your local Spoons being shut. Here regular Roy Hobbs explains what to do during the coronavirus crisis.

The next six counterproductive steps Trump will take to fight the coronavirus

PRESIDENT Trump has already advised Americans to keep going to work and banned Europeans who don’t speak English. What will he get wrong next?