Baby's first memory is of mum dropping her phone on his head

A BABY’s earliest memory will be of his mother dropping her iPhone on his head when she was feeding him.

Lucky childless bastard gets to stay in bed when ill

A LUCKY bastard without kids was so sick he spent three uninterrupted days in bed recovering.

Colleague going around sneezing and touching things

AN office worker is going around sneezing and then blatantly touching things, co-workers have confirmed.

Woman mostly got pregnant for nine-month detox

A WOMAN has admitted that the main reason she is having a baby is to quit the booze for nine months.

Woman conducts annual ritual of signing up for half-marathon she won't actually do

FOR the third year in a row a woman has paid the entry fee for a half-marathon she will not actually run.

Man going for run at lunchtime like a f**king Marine or something

A MAN is heading off on lunchtime runs as if he is training to join the Royal Marine Commandos even though he works in an office.

Fruit not a snack, say kids

CHILDREN tired of being told to have an apple whenever they are hungry are calling for fruit to no longer be classified as a snack.

Man joins gym to shed personality

A MAN has joined the gym with the aim of shedding as much of his personality as possible.

The Rees-Mogg guide to making your own medicine

ON THURSDAY June 26th 2016 the UK voted, quite rightly, against keeping supply lines open for life-saving medicines, so it’s time to start making your own. Try these...

Woman personally offended that she still gets spots in her 30s

A WOMAN has confirmed that she considers it a personal attack that she still occasionally has spots despite being 34.

Loud sneezers told to get a f*cking grip

LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed.

Woman surprised not to be congratulated on weight gain

A WOMAN who liked all her friends’ weight loss posts on Facebook cannot understand why they have said nothing about her putting on 18 pounds.