Trains to introduce 'anti-mask wanker only' carriages

RAIL operators are to protect passengers with brain cells by introducing carriages exclusively for twats who refuse to wear face masks.

Woman using homeopathy to treat coronavirus thinks vaccines are dangerous

A WOMAN using homeopathy to treat the coronavirus she has caught is glad she was not vaccinated against it because it might be dangerous.

Think of back-to-school as a big science experiment, government tells parents

THE government has told worried parents to think of their children returning to a possibly deadly school environment as an exciting science project.

Dying of coronavirus as unlikely as owning your own home, millennials reassured

FOR Britons aged between 25 and 39 the chance of dying from coronavirus is as remote as one day owning property, the government has reassured.

Calm the f**k down, says dog who's eaten chocolate

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out.

The Tories' completely confusing guide to masks in schools

THE government has been criticised for making a total dog’s dinner of its mask policy for schools. Here is the latest official advice on wearing them, or maybe not bothering.

£13 a day for saying you're ill and staying in sure to go smoothly, says Matt Hancock

THE health secretary has confirmed there is no way paying people £13 a day for saying they are ill and staying at home could ever go wrong. 

Irritating woman not content with just one sneeze

A WOMAN has decided that doing a single sneeze is not bringing her nearly enough attention.

Twat wearing mask under her nose doing it on purpose

A WOMAN who goes to the shops wearing a mask over her mouth but not her nose has confirmed she is doing it just to annoy the f**k out of everyone.

'Don't buy matching outdoor jackets' and other anti-ageing tips

IS ageing inevitable or can you stave it off by avoiding the pitfalls of older people obsessed with gardening and the past? These tips are all worth a try.

Public reminded not to leave goths in hot cars

THE public has been reminded they should never leave goths alone in a car on a hot day because it can be fatal.

Dad would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water

A DAD would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water, he has confirmed.