Rosé banned for the next seven months

THE consumption of rosé has been banned for the next seven months, pending a review at Easter.

The ruling is being enforced after summer saw a 400 per cent increase in the number of middle class women who loudly compared the UK to Tuscany before being sick into a bin.

Public health officer Tom Logan said: “The chemical composition of rosé automatically makes it a bit common as soon as August is over.

“In the summer, an executive with the pink stuff all over his TM Lewin cuffs looks dashing and urbane. When he’s still in that state come September, he looks like he’s en route to Magaluf.”

He added: “Sometimes people in a certain income bracket need to be protected from themselves. You know what I mean.”

Mother-of-four Francesca Johnson said: “I’ve already replaced my lunchtime drink with a nice white burgundy. If you put a drop of kir in, you’d swear it was Blossom Hill.”