Ten In Ten Homeopathic Prescriptions Contain Mistakes

A SURVEY of prescriptions written by homeopathic practitioners has found that 10 out of every 10 is riddled with unscientific garbage, according to a new study.

Appendicitis? Try daffodils and piss.

Researchers found that many health food shop owners are having to rectify their mistakes by advising customers to visit a proper doctor instead.

Sample prescriptions found medicines such as 'shavings of Hogsfoot bark' and 'two drops of that blue stuff in the fancy jar' being recommended, with 30% throwing in a reference to 'temporal chakras' or praying to the river god Bento while wearing a hat made of ivy.

Helen Archer, an unwell person from Hatfield, said: "I'd lost a lot of weight, was having dizzy spells and had started coughing up blood. Unfortunately my homeopath wrote 'tincture of Elf Bane' on his prescription instead of 'for Christ's sake, go and see an oncologist'."

The General Medical Council has called for a standardisation of homeopathic prescriptions to avoid confusion, with all slips carrying the message 'you may as well eat this piece of paper'.

A GMC spokesman said: "An A&E doctor working 100 hours a week might make a goof and accidentally kill a patient by mistaking a bottle of pethidine for orange juice, which is perfectly understandable. If you don’t like it, I suggest you pay us more money.

"But, if a bearded man in sandals listening to a CD of whale intercourse charges you eighty quid for a bottle of water tainted by microscopic amounts of more water, well, you can see how that would be unacceptable."

He added: "If any homeopaths disagree, I suggest they mix up a tonic of one part my balls to three parts my big, fat, hairy arse."