Typical Lunch Box More Nutritious Than Its Contents

THE average school lunch box now contains at least three items that, technically, are not food, according to a new survey.

Most packed lunches are now 72% bubble wrap

Research has shown a marked shift away from traditional edible items to random pieces of brightly-coloured unidentifiable matter.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Less than a decade ago, a cheap supermarket own-brand Penguin-equivalent chocolate bar was the least healthy item in the standard child's lunch box.

"But in the contemporary school lunch box we're seeing almost indescribable items like bison-flavoured air sachets, cartoon-branded injectable hormones and little red things called 'Robot Sam Fox Bulbs' that produce an addictive musky smell when you put them up your nose.”

He added: "We tried giving some 'Robot Sam Fox Bulbs' to lab rats, and they ate each other's skin. So they're probably not very good for you."

However many children are staunchly opposed to efforts to make them eat actual food.

Nine-year-old Joseph Turner said: "Only kids who live on council estates, or are poor because their dad died in some tragic yet mockable circumstances, eat food.

"If I got a sandwich instead of a fox bulb I would probably get stoned to death at break time.

"I've already warned my parents that if they try it I'll tell the school nurse that dad touched me in the bath."

Parent Nikki Hollis added:  "I'd send my kids to school with a rabid marmoset in a hessian sack if I thought it would get them off my case for five minutes.

"This is real life we're talking about here, not some Waitrose advert bullshit."