Trump came up with the idea while at a Nato summit where nobody had a good word to say about his favourite ethonationalist, and persuaded protection officers to smuggle him off Air Force One so he could be stripped, rubbed down with lard and flown to Moscow.

An aide said: “Trump knew Putin had heard all the disparaging things Nato leaders were saying about him, because he was wearing a wire, and he knew Putin would be upset. So he came up with this to placate him.

“Once he was scrubbed clean he lay back and, as we entered Russian airspace, we decorated his naked form with a selection of cooked meats. Jamón Ibérico, smoked brisket, chorizo, pancetta, black truffle salami, wild boar sausage… he was delectable.

“The plane landed and Trump, eyes closed, neck quivering, awaited his hero. But when he finally boarded he was unimpressed. He barely fingered the beef bresaola and muttered disparagingly about the president’s penis before disembarking, leaving his meats untouched.

“Naturally Trump was furious, blamed Biden, and demanded we fly him straight home and never mention it to anyone. Which I didn’t until I was fired for having a Hispanic sister-in-law, which is woke.”

He added: “The meat was fed to dogs. They died.”

Mickey Mouse

With his cheerful wave and oversized shorts, it’s hard not to love Mickey. However, he can’t really compare to Britons such as Shakespeare, Churchill and Newton. Is there a cartoon titled Mickey Becomes the Father of Modern Physics? No, there is not.

No Kate

Catherine, Princess of Wales, is a universally loved demi-goddess radiating infinite beauty and kindness. Without a royal family, Americans have no such national treasure. Their nearest equivalent? Roseanne Barr.

Color vs colour

American misspellings, and their domination of the word processing industry after the BBC Micro failed to succeed globally, have caused untold red underlinings. If America had just accepted taxation without representation it could have been avoided.

Trump

There are few people as dreadful as Trump, but Americans elected him on two occasions proving they should never have been allowed their own government. In a different timeline America could be governed by Keir Starmer. Not great, but better.

Vietnam films

America has gifted the world many superb ‘Nam films, from the action romp of Platoon to classics like Apocalypse Now, all replete with incredible cinematography and memorable lines. A definite win for America. The actual war was less successful, but we’ll politely not mention that.

Light bulbs 

For all its failings, America did invent the light bulb, so credit where credit’s due. Having said that, Britain could have managed with flaming torches until Japan invented the LED.

Inferior football

America could have had our excellent version of football, as showcased by England vs Ghana. Instead they threw perfectly good tea into Boston harbour and now have a horribly complicated version of rugby that stops every few seconds. Poor fools.

Guns

The insane number of guns in America are due to the Second Amendment. If they hadn’t raised militias in 1775 they wouldn’t have to worry about getting shot in geography lessons now.

Star Wars

Star Wars was a global cultural phenomenon to be proud of, but now the original films have been ruined by a Boba Fett cash-in doing stuff with a cuddly toy. With hindsight it wasn’t worth George Washington crossing the Delaware for.

In conclusion

From this comprehensive list of American achievements and failures, it is clear that independence was a pointless waste of time. Luckily we are a forgiving nation, and America is welcome to rejoin the UK again with the same legal status as the Isle of Man.

Trump supporter Jordan Gardner of North Carolina cannot wait to find out if Europe is as poor, backwards, filthy and full of dumb, ugly liberals as his friends online tell him it is.

He said: “I land in Londonistan at 4pm, and I’m hoping to get my phone snatched by illegals on motor scooters by 4.45pm at the latest.

“I’ve made sure to book into a hotel without air conditioning, which the asshole limeys have never even heard of, and then I’ll go to a ‘pub’ where the beer will be warm and Millwall fans will ‘boot my nut in’ when I tell them their sport is gay. Looking forward to it!

“After that I go to France, where they don’t even speak goddamn English, and Germany where they’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for us. I’ll see the Eiffel Tower which isn’t as tall as Freedom Tower, the Mona Lisa which sucks, and I’ll knock down the Berlin Wall.

“During all of that I hope to be mugged, drugged and if possible sodomised by Islamic invaders who’ve taken over the continent and turned it into a cesspit. I’ve scheduled that as a livestream.

“Finally, I’ll turn down all socialist healthcare, drag my broken, bleeding, overheated body onto a flight home, arrive in the wonderful 64ºF US and attend the US Semiquincentennial grateful I was smart enough to be born American. I hope Trump rambles.”

Joe Biden

It’s likely 83-year-old Biden donned dark clothing, evaded security and hacked a 350-foot slit in the thick, rubberised pool lining. The slit has got progressively longer in Trump’s accounts, so ‘Sleepy Joe’ clearly made several visits.

That guy in the red t-shirt

The man in question, Christian Miles, wasn’t seen damaging the pool, but he did swear at the police while being arrested, which all lawyers will agree is the same as a signed confession.

Barack Obama 

Obama is consumed by jealousy of Trump, who is smarter, more popular and not incontinent. The ex-president probably avoided being recognised by the many members of the public at the pool by wearing sunglasses. Being executed for treason would be a welcome end to him constantly projecting his own failings onto Trump in a transparent, pathetic way.

Bad Bunny 

The rapper is clearly bitter about Trump saying ‘Nobody understands a word this guy is saying’ after his all-Spanish Superbowl set. But it was another pinpoint-accurate criticism by the president: it is impossible to enjoy music if some of the words are unclear.

A journalist 

A reporter was seen reaching into the green water and touching an area of lining that was flapping about. This professional journalist then ignored the risk to his well-paid TV career and vandalised the pool to get the same story he had just filmed.

The radical left

This shadowy movement opposes Trump so often and in so many locations it is impossible to arrest an actual member. As Trump has explained, they are highly organised and have vast resources, which they use to make neat placards for demonstrations. Therefore it is likely they used their cash and know-how to evade the pool’s 24/7 surveillance by wearing invisible stealth suits.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy 

Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s mission in life is to steal money from America and wage war on his long-suffering neighbour Putin. His ungrateful vandalism of the reflecting pool is clear evidence that all aid to Ukraine must stop. And be given to Russia.

Melania

Tragically, Trump has realised that the beautiful wife he worshipped for decades may be a scheming whore trying to blame him for her friendship with Epstein. Why would she vandalise the pool? So she could claim it was blue and gaslight Donald into doubting his superb mental faculties.

Hillary Clinton

As someone with no qualms about sucking adrenochrome out of babies in Satanic rituals, gouging a huge hole in America’s most beautiful monument would not trouble ‘Killary’. Being 78 years old would present no obstacle because she would simply use witchcraft.

After the president unveiled plans to buy the Chagos Islands, following previous ambitions to own Greenland and Pamama, the United Nations has decided he is not going to shut up until he gets something so they might as well decide what.

A UN spokesman said: “Britain, weren’t you having some issues with Northern Ireland? He might like that. Though we’d have to decorate.

“It doesn’t really matter where. Ideally he’s after something of ‘strategic importance’ but he doesn’t rule out bombing anyone so we can always upsell it. Palau? You were on season ten of Survivor. He’ll have seen that.

“I know, I know, nobody wants to be a US Overseas Territory without any rights, we’ve all seen Puerto Rico. But if it’s this or an invasion then surely it’s better this? And if it’s down to being bought by us or Trump, we’ll actually pay you.

“Dominican Republic? Grenada? Lesotho, I’m sorry but you’re landlocked and he’s obsessed with beachfronts. All it means in practical terms is Air Force One touches down, a photo opportunity with him holding a gold thing he’ll take home, done. Is that so bad?

“Look, if we can’t get a volunteer we’ll have to go with plan B: make somewhere up and give him that. It worked for FIFA.”

The US flag

Fifty stars, representing each of the US states, or one Trump representing everything that is great about America and everything it could ever hope to be? If you’re Trump or in his cult, there’s no question. The stripes will now be trails of blood, each terminating in the decapitated head of one of his enemies. Enormously classy.

The Statue of Liberty

There’s no way he knows it’s French. Once he finds out he’ll be outraged that a Gallic whore presides over New York’s harbour, brazenly inviting the tempest-tossed to f**k her, he’ll order the face removed and replaced with his own. The body will remain unchanged because he knows his supporters like tits. The result will represent America today.

Mount Rushmore

Not just the addition of Trump, which has long been accepted as inevitable, but replacing all four faces – Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln – with Trump, on the grounds ‘many are saying’ he has surpassed all of them. The Four Faces of Trump will be Stern, Serious, Resolute and That One He Pulls While Dancing To YMCA.

The Hollywood sign

There are three Os in Hollywood. Trump, by virtue of his 14 seasons on The Apprentice, is the greatest star the entertainment industry has ever known. Therefore those Os should be replaced by his wonderful visage, looming over liberals to make them mad. One looking left, one looking right, one staring straight at the camera like a cheap Judge Judy.

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Trump’s senility is advancing at such pace he will soon believe himself to have fought in Vietnam. The black granite of Washington DC’s memorial, bearing the names of all those lost in the conflict, will be updated with Trump’s visage etched across it. It will make some names illegible but that’s fine, they were stupid for dying anyway.

The Eternal Flame (Graceland and John F Kennedy)

Finally, inspired by a sycophantic AI video made by Nigerians pretending to be patriotic Americans for social media clicks, Trump will order the flames burning at the graves of Elvis and JFK to become flames shaped like his face. $228 billion will be invested in creating this impossible effect. He will only skim off $196 billion of this. It won’t happen.

No handshake bullshit 

Trump always asserts himself with a stupidly long handshake, but this time he had to meekly accept it when Xi decided to stop. Normally he loves this classic business dick tactic, although these days he’s got soup for brains so it’s possible he just forgets what his hand is doing.

Changing his tune 

Not long ago Trump was claiming that China had ‘ripped off the United States like no one has ever done before’, but he hasn’t kicked up a fuss about this unacceptable behaviour. Also down the memory hole is Trump’s claim that China was ‘raping’ America. What on earth could have caused him to choose that insensitive figure of speech?

Fawning praise

Some betas favour a collaborative approach, others prefer to be sickening suck-ups. ‘You’re a great leader, I say it to everybody,’ Trump told Jinping, adding that the visit was ‘cherished’ and it was ‘an honour to be your friend’. Which is both vomitous and unnecessary, like someone saying ‘You are an incredible person who shines with the radiance of a billion suns’ when all you did was lend them a work biro.

Being strangely quiet about certain things 

Trump hates windfarms like a psycho but China is mad keen on them, so you’d think he’d warn Xi about his folly and the mental health cost to whales ‘driven crazy’ by turbines. Although to be honest if whales interfered with China’s energy plans in any way they’d end up in a concentration camp. 

Selling out his allies

You don’t get more beta cuck than the way Trump not only fails to stand up to Putin, but also instantly sides with him. If Trump has a similar man-crush on Xi expect him to start posting that the Taiwanese are ‘very nasty people’ and he’s sending China landing craft to defend itself.

Opting for safety in numbers

Betas are herd animals, preferring the cooperation and protection of the group. And boy has Trump embraced the herd, taking with him a small army of docile crawlers including, but not limited to, nutcase Pete Hegseth, surplus human Eric Trump, possible cadaver Scott Bessent, Apple arselicker Tim Cook and the world’s shittest sci-fi author Elon Musk.  

A curious lack of threats 

Greenland, Cuba, Sadiq Khan – Trump normally can’t stop issuing threats to people and places. So how has he intimidated China into doing what he wants? By selling them security risk Nvidia H200 chips and getting a ‘strong’ pledge not to send military equipment to Iran that isn’t worth spit. You keep showing Xi who’s boss, Donald.

Completing a captcha

‘Click all images that contain animals’ is well within Trump’s capabilities to identify lions and camels. He’d claim it as an amazing success then add ‘nobody has ever completed a captcha like I have. I can access all the websites’ before pausing for applause.

Toddler’s sorting blocks

Most adults wouldn’t brag about this, but Trump would unselfconsciously explain the process in detail: ‘They got a square piece that goes through the hole for a square piece, they got a triangle piece that…’ Should this be disqualifying for office? Yes. Would his fanbase be genuinely impressed? Also yes.

Finish a child’s jigsaw

A 1,000-piece jigsaw for tragic adults? Well beyond him. A 16-piece wooden one for pre-schoolers depicting colourful cartoon fish? Doable. He’d brag about it on Fox News, saying people like Barack Obama, Kamala Harris and Ilhan Omar couldn’t do it due to their ‘very low IQ’, failing to notice he is a disgusting racist.

Extremely easy riddles

‘What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?’ is the riddle of the Sphinx about a man getting older. Maybe Trump’s heard it before and would remember the answer? Or maybe he’d just say ‘a dog’, ‘a man’ and ‘a dog with three legs’ and pronounce himself correct.

‘Click to confirm you are not a robot’

Trump could legitimately say he’d succeeded at this after Marco Rubio placed the laptop in front of him, positioned the pointer over the box and told him to tap the touchpad. The validity of this achievement would be confirmed by Tim Cook giving him a hefty gold ‘World’s Greatest Computer User’ award.

Finishing a colouring book 

The simple challenges of staying within the lines makes this the perfect activity for Trump to imagine is impressive. As usual he would claim that ‘people are saying they’ve never seen anything like it’, which is true if you include the millions around the world wondering what the f**k happened to America.

Things that are not in any way tests

As he mentally deteriorates but remains a narcissistic egomaniac, Trump will start bragging about ordinary tasks like brushing his teeth. And as the press never challenges his lunacy, they will only have themselves to blame when Reuters and the Washington Post are lead to a White House bathroom to see a turd he is particularly proud of.

The ‘special relationship’ between Britain and the United States has been permanently repaired unless President Trump has one of his regular changes of heart which has just happened and now it is ruined once more.

Foreign correspondent Martin Bishop said: “Things were looking pretty precarious there. Luckily you can rely on the King to… no. Forget it.

“I thought His Majesty’s charm offensive had won Trump over. However the president has just furiously attacked us on Truth Social. He must have remembered his bullshit case against the BBC or how we refused to join in the Iran disaster that’s entirely his fault. So it goes.

“Pity really. That was a new dawn of Western diplomacy while it lasted. No stupid split in NATO over an obvious aggressor, Russia, and we could have had sane trade talks not based on random tariffs Trump doesn’t understand himself.

“Now, none of that will happen. He’ll be back to posting deranged rants about sanctioning Marmite or nuking Kent. But for five seconds, historians will agree things looked pretty rosy.”

The King said: “I did you a solid but I’m f**ked if I’m doing that again. Get David Attenborough or Stephen Fry to talk some sense into him, I’m out.”

I should rule forever

Once the right guy’s in power, he stays there perpetually. Any successor should be his most favoured child who shares his born-to-rule DNA. As a monarch, the King believes this even more than I do. It’s the foundation of our special relationship. Two old guys exerting their privilege until the heat death of the universe; what could be more beautiful?

The Epstein files are a sick media lie

Everyone knows I’m not in the Epstein files. That’s why I’ve had to invade Iran to give them something real to report on. The King may not have said he agrees with me explicitly, but the awkward way he squirmed through any mention of them was confirmation enough. His brother? He has a brother?

Being shot at is a sign of huge affection

When you’re a beloved public figure like Charles and I, it’s only natural that fans get carried away in their admiration. According to our sycophantic yes men, bullets whizzing past your head are a sign of adoration of our immense wealth and power. We have a duty to amass more of both to keep our public happy.

NATO needs to invade Cuba

I don’t like Cuba, but I do like US troops and wouldn’t want them harmed. So NATO, which is Britain and some other countries, needs to invade it for me and put Marco Rubio in charge. I tell you, the King drove a hard bargain, only agreeing to this idea if we keep sending arms over to Ukraine, but he’s totally on board. He’s leading the invasion himself.

The Earth should be renamed ‘Trumptopia’

Dirt? Who cares about that, apart from farmers? Time we made Earth great again by naming it after the best thing that ever happened to it. We’ll paint all the trees, mountains and oceans gold so it’ll look even better from the next spaceflight. Chuck laughed and shook his head, which is his cryptic royal way of giving it his total approval.

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

He was in a theatre box, but where were the bulletproof screens? Where was the Secret Service? When the gunman started shooting, why didn’t he just dodge the bullets like I did in Pennsylvania? And we shouldn’t rush to condemn Confederate assassin John Wilkes Booth. There were very fine people on both sides of slavery.

James A Garfield (1831-1881)

History has forgotten Garfield, rightly. He didn’t end any wars when I’ve stopped nine and have the FIFA Peace Prize to prove it. He only won one election and I’ve won three, counting 2020. Garfield was a total loser. Even the cartoon isn’t named after him. How pathetic is that?

Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

They named the asshole after a teddy bear. No surprise he just stood there and took two bullets to the abdomen. He survived, I guess, but he was no hero. By contrast, when the secret service started panicking on Saturday I immediately took control of the situation and presented the smallest possible target by skilfully falling over.

John F Kennedy (1917-1963)

Frankly if JFK was dumb enough to drive around in a convertible with the roof down he deserved to have his brains blown out. I’ve never understood the hype about that guy. If he was so handsome, why didn’t he ever host NBC’s top-rated Thursday night show? His assassin did America a favour. I’m changing Martin Luther King Day to Lee Harvey Oswald Day.

William McKinley (18343-1901)

A loser who got shot by an anarchist, survived, and – get this – died weeks later from an infection. A totally stupid and pointless death when he could have just injected disinfectant.

Ronald Reagan (1911-2004)

I hate to say it, but when Reagan narrowly survived being shot he should have quit. Either take the bullet face-on or dodge it. No half-measures. Anyway, I guess I should ask about you, Charles, they told me to do that. Have you been shot recently or is Britain full of pussies?

Hopeful after hopeful fire their bullets, fail to kill the head of state and their manifesto is revealed. Again and again, they ramble about ‘a danger to democracy’ who ‘must be stopped’. But mention of a two-time Academy Award winner comes there none.

Back in the 1980s, in that halcyon period the Jackson biopic wisely chose to focus on, assassins had proper motives. They weren’t boringly political. They weren’t internet furries. They had their sights set not just on a president but on worthy life goals.

When John Hinckley Jr unloaded his revolver at Reagan in 1981, he did it for one reason: to impress Jodie Foster. He reasoned that it would put him at her level. You can’t fault his logic.

As it happened he wasn’t successful and the Bugsy Malone star therefore ignored his advances. Perhaps it even factored into her later turning toward lesbianism. That doesn’t mean that, for the right presidential assassin, she wouldn’t reconsider her sexuality.

But instead assassin after assassin takes their shot without even plighting their troth at the Silence of the Lambs actress. Ignoring her incredible performance in True Detective which revitalised the franchise. Heedless of her first French language role in Vie privée. 

It’s no wonder they fail. Hinckley at least wounded Reagan, because he was powered by love. Today’s assassins, fuelled by selfishness and political grievance, are lucky if they manage to nick Trump’s ear.

Let’s put this right. Assassins, if you’re reading this, at least check out her peerless filmography. From Taxi Driver to Contact to Hotel Artemis, there’s something for everyone. And with the proper motivation, anything is possible.

Benjamin Netanyahu

Trump is, however haphazardly, attempting a ceasefire in the Middle East. Meanwhile the man who talked him into the war continues to bomb, invade and annex a neighbouring country and reserves the right to strike Iran if the whim takes him. From his Gaza real-estate partner and close buddy Trump? Not a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

Vladimir Putin

When the war against Iran was still raging, who was providing them with attack drones? Who helped them out with air defences? Who provided real-time information on the location of warships and aircraft? Who else but Iran’s ally Russia. Trump said nothing, though he may have called to commiserate over the loss of close mutual friend Viktor Orbán.

Xi Jinping

Iran’s Revolutionary Guard needs a spy satellite? Xi has one available, ideal for tracking movement of US ships and radar positions, Temu-priced. All Starmer did was refuse to send two broken-down aircraft carriers when the war was already over, according to Trump, but Xi provides a satellite and then ignores both blockades with impunity.

Rupert Murdoch

There has been one minor £10 billion suit against the Wall Street Journal, but that’s just Trump’s way of showing respect. To the owner of Fox News and commander of its horde of zombie Americans who could switch their allegiances with one week of propaganda, Trump never says a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

King Shark

Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump has always known he will die in the jaws of their monarch. Dismissing claims he is ‘just a comics character’ because he’s seen the guy himself in films, the president leaves a bucket of chum outside the West Wing every night to satiate his nemesis. But cannot criticise him, for he is of the blood Royal.

Melania Trump

Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump married Melania because of her black, soulless eyes and predatory instinct. Afraid to touch her lest he lose an arm, he doesn’t even mention her bizarre White House press conference about barely having met sex-trafficking paedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Not that it’s Epstein-related.