No handshake bullshit 

Trump always asserts himself with a stupidly long handshake, but this time he had to meekly accept it when Xi decided to stop. Normally he loves this classic business dick tactic, although these days he’s got soup for brains so it’s possible he just forgets what his hand is doing.

Changing his tune 

Not long ago Trump was claiming that China had ‘ripped off the United States like no one has ever done before’, but he hasn’t kicked up a fuss about this unacceptable behaviour. Also down the memory hole is Trump’s claim that China was ‘raping’ America. What on earth could have caused him to choose that insensitive figure of speech?

Fawning praise

Some betas favour a collaborative approach, others prefer to be sickening suck-ups. ‘You’re a great leader, I say it to everybody,’ Trump told Jinping, adding that the visit was ‘cherished’ and it was ‘an honour to be your friend’. Which is both vomitous and unnecessary, like someone saying ‘You are an incredible person who shines with the radiance of a billion suns’ when all you did was lend them a work biro.

Being strangely quiet about certain things 

Trump hates windfarms like a psycho but China is mad keen on them, so you’d think he’d warn Xi about his folly and the mental health cost to whales ‘driven crazy’ by turbines. Although to be honest if whales interfered with China’s energy plans in any way they’d end up in a concentration camp. 

Selling out his allies

You don’t get more beta cuck than the way Trump not only fails to stand up to Putin, but also instantly sides with him. If Trump has a similar man-crush on Xi expect him to start posting that the Taiwanese are ‘very nasty people’ and he’s sending China landing craft to defend itself.

Opting for safety in numbers

Betas are herd animals, preferring the cooperation and protection of the group. And boy has Trump embraced the herd, taking with him a small army of docile crawlers including, but not limited to, nutcase Pete Hegseth, surplus human Eric Trump, possible cadaver Scott Bessent, Apple arselicker Tim Cook and the world’s shittest sci-fi author Elon Musk.  

A curious lack of threats 

Greenland, Cuba, Sadiq Khan – Trump normally can’t stop issuing threats to people and places. So how has he intimidated China into doing what he wants? By selling them security risk Nvidia H200 chips and getting a ‘strong’ pledge not to send military equipment to Iran that isn’t worth spit. You keep showing Xi who’s boss, Donald.

Completing a captcha

‘Click all images that contain animals’ is well within Trump’s capabilities to identify lions and camels. He’d claim it as an amazing success then add ‘nobody has ever completed a captcha like I have. I can access all the websites’ before pausing for applause.

Toddler’s sorting blocks

Most adults wouldn’t brag about this, but Trump would unselfconsciously explain the process in detail: ‘They got a square piece that goes through the hole for a square piece, they got a triangle piece that…’ Should this be disqualifying for office? Yes. Would his fanbase be genuinely impressed? Also yes.

Finish a child’s jigsaw

A 1,000-piece jigsaw for tragic adults? Well beyond him. A 16-piece wooden one for pre-schoolers depicting colourful cartoon fish? Doable. He’d brag about it on Fox News, saying people like Barack Obama, Kamala Harris and Ilhan Omar couldn’t do it due to their ‘very low IQ’, failing to notice he is a disgusting racist.

Extremely easy riddles

‘What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?’ is the riddle of the Sphinx about a man getting older. Maybe Trump’s heard it before and would remember the answer? Or maybe he’d just say ‘a dog’, ‘a man’ and ‘a dog with three legs’ and pronounce himself correct.

‘Click to confirm you are not a robot’

Trump could legitimately say he’d succeeded at this after Marco Rubio placed the laptop in front of him, positioned the pointer over the box and told him to tap the touchpad. The validity of this achievement would be confirmed by Tim Cook giving him a hefty gold ‘World’s Greatest Computer User’ award.

Finishing a colouring book 

The simple challenges of staying within the lines makes this the perfect activity for Trump to imagine is impressive. As usual he would claim that ‘people are saying they’ve never seen anything like it’, which is true if you include the millions around the world wondering what the f**k happened to America.

Things that are not in any way tests

As he mentally deteriorates but remains a narcissistic egomaniac, Trump will start bragging about ordinary tasks like brushing his teeth. And as the press never challenges his lunacy, they will only have themselves to blame when Reuters and the Washington Post are lead to a White House bathroom to see a turd he is particularly proud of.

The ‘special relationship’ between Britain and the United States has been permanently repaired unless President Trump has one of his regular changes of heart which has just happened and now it is ruined once more.

Foreign correspondent Martin Bishop said: “Things were looking pretty precarious there. Luckily you can rely on the King to… no. Forget it.

“I thought His Majesty’s charm offensive had won Trump over. However the president has just furiously attacked us on Truth Social. He must have remembered his bullshit case against the BBC or how we refused to join in the Iran disaster that’s entirely his fault. So it goes.

“Pity really. That was a new dawn of Western diplomacy while it lasted. No stupid split in NATO over an obvious aggressor, Russia, and we could have had sane trade talks not based on random tariffs Trump doesn’t understand himself.

“Now, none of that will happen. He’ll be back to posting deranged rants about sanctioning Marmite or nuking Kent. But for five seconds, historians will agree things looked pretty rosy.”

The King said: “I did you a solid but I’m f**ked if I’m doing that again. Get David Attenborough or Stephen Fry to talk some sense into him, I’m out.”

I should rule forever

Once the right guy’s in power, he stays there perpetually. Any successor should be his most favoured child who shares his born-to-rule DNA. As a monarch, the King believes this even more than I do. It’s the foundation of our special relationship. Two old guys exerting their privilege until the heat death of the universe; what could be more beautiful?

The Epstein files are a sick media lie

Everyone knows I’m not in the Epstein files. That’s why I’ve had to invade Iran to give them something real to report on. The King may not have said he agrees with me explicitly, but the awkward way he squirmed through any mention of them was confirmation enough. His brother? He has a brother?

Being shot at is a sign of huge affection

When you’re a beloved public figure like Charles and I, it’s only natural that fans get carried away in their admiration. According to our sycophantic yes men, bullets whizzing past your head are a sign of adoration of our immense wealth and power. We have a duty to amass more of both to keep our public happy.

NATO needs to invade Cuba

I don’t like Cuba, but I do like US troops and wouldn’t want them harmed. So NATO, which is Britain and some other countries, needs to invade it for me and put Marco Rubio in charge. I tell you, the King drove a hard bargain, only agreeing to this idea if we keep sending arms over to Ukraine, but he’s totally on board. He’s leading the invasion himself.

The Earth should be renamed ‘Trumptopia’

Dirt? Who cares about that, apart from farmers? Time we made Earth great again by naming it after the best thing that ever happened to it. We’ll paint all the trees, mountains and oceans gold so it’ll look even better from the next spaceflight. Chuck laughed and shook his head, which is his cryptic royal way of giving it his total approval.

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

He was in a theatre box, but where were the bulletproof screens? Where was the Secret Service? When the gunman started shooting, why didn’t he just dodge the bullets like I did in Pennsylvania? And we shouldn’t rush to condemn Confederate assassin John Wilkes Booth. There were very fine people on both sides of slavery.

James A Garfield (1831-1881)

History has forgotten Garfield, rightly. He didn’t end any wars when I’ve stopped nine and have the FIFA Peace Prize to prove it. He only won one election and I’ve won three, counting 2020. Garfield was a total loser. Even the cartoon isn’t named after him. How pathetic is that?

Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

They named the asshole after a teddy bear. No surprise he just stood there and took two bullets to the abdomen. He survived, I guess, but he was no hero. By contrast, when the secret service started panicking on Saturday I immediately took control of the situation and presented the smallest possible target by skilfully falling over.

John F Kennedy (1917-1963)

Frankly if JFK was dumb enough to drive around in a convertible with the roof down he deserved to have his brains blown out. I’ve never understood the hype about that guy. If he was so handsome, why didn’t he ever host NBC’s top-rated Thursday night show? His assassin did America a favour. I’m changing Martin Luther King Day to Lee Harvey Oswald Day.

William McKinley (18343-1901)

A loser who got shot by an anarchist, survived, and – get this – died weeks later from an infection. A totally stupid and pointless death when he could have just injected disinfectant.

Ronald Reagan (1911-2004)

I hate to say it, but when Reagan narrowly survived being shot he should have quit. Either take the bullet face-on or dodge it. No half-measures. Anyway, I guess I should ask about you, Charles, they told me to do that. Have you been shot recently or is Britain full of pussies?

Hopeful after hopeful fire their bullets, fail to kill the head of state and their manifesto is revealed. Again and again, they ramble about ‘a danger to democracy’ who ‘must be stopped’. But mention of a two-time Academy Award winner comes there none.

Back in the 1980s, in that halcyon period the Jackson biopic wisely chose to focus on, assassins had proper motives. They weren’t boringly political. They weren’t internet furries. They had their sights set not just on a president but on worthy life goals.

When John Hinckley Jr unloaded his revolver at Reagan in 1981, he did it for one reason: to impress Jodie Foster. He reasoned that it would put him at her level. You can’t fault his logic.

As it happened he wasn’t successful and the Bugsy Malone star therefore ignored his advances. Perhaps it even factored into her later turning toward lesbianism. That doesn’t mean that, for the right presidential assassin, she wouldn’t reconsider her sexuality.

But instead assassin after assassin takes their shot without even plighting their troth at the Silence of the Lambs actress. Ignoring her incredible performance in True Detective which revitalised the franchise. Heedless of her first French language role in Vie privée. 

It’s no wonder they fail. Hinckley at least wounded Reagan, because he was powered by love. Today’s assassins, fuelled by selfishness and political grievance, are lucky if they manage to nick Trump’s ear.

Let’s put this right. Assassins, if you’re reading this, at least check out her peerless filmography. From Taxi Driver to Contact to Hotel Artemis, there’s something for everyone. And with the proper motivation, anything is possible.

Benjamin Netanyahu

Trump is, however haphazardly, attempting a ceasefire in the Middle East. Meanwhile the man who talked him into the war continues to bomb, invade and annex a neighbouring country and reserves the right to strike Iran if the whim takes him. From his Gaza real-estate partner and close buddy Trump? Not a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

Vladimir Putin

When the war against Iran was still raging, who was providing them with attack drones? Who helped them out with air defences? Who provided real-time information on the location of warships and aircraft? Who else but Iran’s ally Russia. Trump said nothing, though he may have called to commiserate over the loss of close mutual friend Viktor Orbán.

Xi Jinping

Iran’s Revolutionary Guard needs a spy satellite? Xi has one available, ideal for tracking movement of US ships and radar positions, Temu-priced. All Starmer did was refuse to send two broken-down aircraft carriers when the war was already over, according to Trump, but Xi provides a satellite and then ignores both blockades with impunity.

Rupert Murdoch

There has been one minor £10 billion suit against the Wall Street Journal, but that’s just Trump’s way of showing respect. To the owner of Fox News and commander of its horde of zombie Americans who could switch their allegiances with one week of propaganda, Trump never says a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

King Shark

Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump has always known he will die in the jaws of their monarch. Dismissing claims he is ‘just a comics character’ because he’s seen the guy himself in films, the president leaves a bucket of chum outside the West Wing every night to satiate his nemesis. But cannot criticise him, for he is of the blood Royal.

Melania Trump

Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump married Melania because of her black, soulless eyes and predatory instinct. Afraid to touch her lest he lose an arm, he doesn’t even mention her bizarre White House press conference about barely having met sex-trafficking paedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

Like a father unfamiliar with the nuances of the dispute but ‘sick to death’ of ‘bloody squabbling’, America has declared there will not be any oil for anyone and that is an end to the matter.

A spokesman said: “If you can’t peaceably share the oil between yourselves, then oil’s off. That’ll learn you for fighting.

“I don’t care that you ‘need it’ or ‘the global economy will collapse’. You should have thought of that before you all started fighting while I was trying to watch The Repair Shop. 

“No oil and that’s final and I don’t want to hear another word about it. You’ll have to find another way to provide power for your countries. And no messing with solar or offshore wind either, I’ve warned you about those. They’re dangerous. Never mind how.

“I heard that, and no I won’t ‘change my mind later’. It’s you saying ‘he’ll forget in a couple of weeks’ who’s wrong. In fact there’s extra no oil for you for saying that. I’m going to the shed.”

An OPEC spokesman said: “He’s incapable of admitting he’s wrong. So we’ll just start exporting oil anyway and he’ll pretend he doesn’t know.”

Go north

Weird, because in your country to find poverty you go south, but try it. It won’t be long before you’re in parts of the UK Richard Curtis never discovered. Look for high rates of benefit fraud, closed shops, bus stops that look like they’ve survived airstrikes and vape shops offended by customers interrupting their real business of money laundering.

Act excited by everything

Mispronounce Stevenage so it sounds French. Claim you’ve found a 15th century pub that belonged to King Wetherspoon and you can almost taste the history. Zoom in on people eating chips outside a chicken shop and explain that al fresco dining is part of the culture here, especially in pouring rain, and is protected by UNESCO.

Condescend

Ask someone in a tracksuit if they voted for Brexit. Yes, obviously. Ask if they regret it, because they can no longer have a year abroad in Provence or enjoy a six-month Italian language refresher course in Turin. Use that bemused expression for likes until they punch you in the face for making them think.

Experience the local gastronomy

You must experience the local cuisine. Clear arteries are for people with low follower counts. Order a barm cake with melted butter and black pudding. Do not, under any circumstances, find out what black pudding is. Dig in and prepare to look reluctantly won around by this non-processed feast, while concluding it’s no cheese-filled corn dog.

Leave as soon as possible

Be back in the capital within 24 hours, lest locals hear of you and ask you to rap. You’ll need to hand-tint your videos to stop the buildings, skies, and people being grey. If you encounter a non-white person, this is valuable proof that Europe has been overrun by Islam and should be forwarded directly to JD Vance.

Return to your American city refreshed

You have seen the worst life has to offer, ie the Midlands, and survived. Now you can go back to the endless strip malls, swaying addicts and casual gun violence of your home confident in your unchallenged belief it is the greatest place on Earth. God bless America, for it is not Nuneaton.

During her address to the White House yesterday, Melania Trump revealed that Jeffrey Epstein had nothing to do with the miraculous series of coincidences that connected her to her charming, handsome husband.

She said: “The malicious rumour that Epstein introduced us needs to stop. You’re clearly all just jealous that the president loves me and not you.

“I cannot blame you for being envious. Who would not want a man who is comfortable enough to wear an adult diaper over his mushroom penis at all times? He is a catch and I am luckiest girl in the world.

“While you stay up late swiping right, I lie in my big gold bed in a separate room to the love of my life. Sometimes I laugh myself to sleep wondering what I did to deserve him, especially when I see him posting his adorable insane rants on Truth Social.

“I thought I set record straight about how I met Donald in my movie, which you all watched and went crazy for. It was a classic case of horny businessman helps glamorous model get work. Tale as old as time, no paedo involved.”

She added: “Now that cleared up please go back to forgetting Epstein files. Think of much happier peace in Middle East instead.”

With a two-week ceasefire agreed in the Middle East, the Iranian tourist board has happily announced that the Strait is once again open for sightseeing cruises, jetskiing and even gondola trips.

A spokesperson said: “We know this has been everyone’s top concern as the world teeters on total destruction. So it’s a great pleasure to open our doors to you all again.

“You’ve likely been trying to fill the void with a cruise round the Mediterranean or the Caribbean, all the while thinking that they don’t compare to the breathtaking sight of fleets of oil tankers. Well, the captains have missed waving at your awestruck faces too.

“You’re free to take selfies and buy themed trinkets from the gift shop, but please remember that the strait is also a working shipping lane. If you get in the way of the ships they will plough right through you like the King’s Guard.

“Don’t hesitate to book your visit. Cruise tickets are selling out fast and we might have to shut again in a fortnight due to unfortunate end-of-the-world circumstances.”

Tourist Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t wait to tick sailing down a commercial shipping route off my bucket list. I just hope they let me swim with an oil barrel.”

42-year-old Japanophile Julian Cook’s itinerary is carefully planned to experience maximum authenticity, whether sipping beer in Sapporo, visiting temples in Kyoto or the multiple evenings in Tokyo where oddly he has no specific plan.

He said: “I don’t want to be one of those tourists who does no more than scratch the surface. I want to connect with local people and go deep.

“I’ve levelled up to B-1 on Duolingo so I’ll be going off the beaten track, searching our hidden gems and touching parts of the country most gaijin don’t. I’ve been on some fairly specialist forums to prepare myself. I’m excited.

“I really want to interface with the real Japan. Yes, I’ll see the traditional dancing shows, but I want to taste the sushi the locals taste. I’m going to immerse myself and return having had experiences the other members of my anime society may never have.”

He added: “Travel’s all about spontaneity. Sometimes you’ve just got to end up in a neon-lit Harajuku bar with an unnecessarily tight linen shirt and a fistful of cash and see what happens.”

Cook is expected to return home with a suitcase full of explicit manga and a heart full of bitter disappointment.

The plan is based on close observation of US wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam where the invaded country found all it had to do was remain there indefinitely and US forces would not.

An Iranian spokesman said: “A single point seems well-suited to the current president’s attention span, provided he has someone to talk him through it.

“But the genius of our plan is that is does not require the agreement of both parties. It remains valid whether the US occupies Kharg Island, lands paratroopers or dispatches a crack Delta Force team to penetrate our bunkers. Whatever. You’ll f**k off eventually.

“In previous US adventurism, the plan would have been broken down into two parts: one, the US goes, two, the allies who fell for this being a long-term project with a proper outcome go. But there is no complication with allies on this one!

“We will continue to control the Strait of Hormuz because it runs along 100 miles of our coastline. We will not replace our government with a pro-Western one and if forced to we would change it back the moment you left.”

The US is expected to reject the peace plan entirely while tacitly accepting it in full, given time.