Riots and protests in France and major protests in Spain and Portugal could be the good kind, such as Britain enjoyed in 2024 after voters defied the will of the people by not electing Nigel Farage, or misguided socialists who deserve a good shoeing.

In the case of France, which has a history of left-wing protest but also nearly keeps electing a trustworthy fascist xenophobe, investigation is required before full backing or demanding the police be given on-the-spot powers for capital punishment.

Impartial political commentator Denys Finch Hatton, who has a show on GB News, said: “This is indisputably our business, because we go to those countries on holiday.

“As such, we need to know whether burning down Limoges town hall was a justified act of political protest against immigration, or migration, or immigrants on benefits, or the tosspot radical left making unreasonable demands again.

“It began with young people wanting more teachers, which is horribly left, but the sheer level of violence I’m seeing makes me think it could have been taken over by sensible types for respectable causes like annexation by Russia. I can’t be sure.”

Left-winger Hannah Tomlinson said: “I was cheering on the burning cars in Marseille because someone in the crowd had a Palestine flag, but apparently their peaceful protest was hijacked?

“If only they weren’t in masks and I could see their skin colour, I’d know for definite then.”

This is just sooo unfair! Other countries have got public executions so why can’t I have one? Somalia and Afghanistan do it so it must be okay! I bet you just get a hotdog and a soda and go with your whole family, which is what I was going to do – until you ruined it!

Livestreaming it would have been awesome. The Fort Hood shooter would be there all tied up and scared, and then BAM BAM BAM! He’d jerk around from all the bullets and everyone would cheer and I’d do high-fives with the firing squad and it would get loads of likes. What’s wrong with that?

So stop being mean to me and let me do it. And if you won’t I’ll hold my breath until I pass out. Then you’ll be in trouble. Right, I’m holding my breath NOW!

Okay so I had to start breathing again, but I could have passed out if I’d really wanted to. Anyway that’s not the point. My livestream would have been really worthwhile because killing someone would put other people off doing suicide attacks, yeah? And how will cancelling it look to the rest of the world?

I’ll tell you. It will look mega-gay and all the other countries will laugh at us. ‘We should have let Pete do his weird internet broadcast,’ you’ll say. ‘We need brave guys like him who aren’t afraid to get other people to shoot a man in a wheelchair.’ 

So I’m giving you one last chance. Let me have my livestream or I will poop myself. Yeah, you heard me. Say it’s back on, or I will poop my pants. Have you changed your minds yet? Okay. You made me do this. I’m pooping myself now.

There. I’ve done it. Ew. But that’s shown you, hasn’t it? This press conference is over.

The world’s richest man admitted he runs a social network solely to incite race war and cut the US government to pieces for fun, but denies any responsibility in shutting down Ukrainian missile defences out of spite.

He said: “I think Ukraine should get a new president simply because I don’t like Zelensky’s smug face. However, I’m not involved in this particular act of f**kery.

“As political observers know, my attempt to play a key role in Trump’s administration ended with me being out-twatted by the man himself, and I fear much the same has happened here.

“I consider myself an evil genius, like a deeply cringe Bond villain, but it’s genuinely humbling to see how much devastation Trump can cause by being unintelligent, self-absorbed and viciously vengeful.

“So no, this one is not on me. Just putting that one out there for the Tesla shareholders. Which isn’t to say I don’t admire the sheer pettiness of it.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin said: “Elon is a dickhead, but a world-class dickhead? No. You can’t honestly put him up there with me, Donald and Bibi.”

WHAT the f**k? Why am I at a podium? Who are all these people with microphones and questions? I thought I was on a Tinder date? 

It’s so rare to meet a guy with conservative beliefs on the apps instead of all the soy boy liberals, so I was stoked. I sent all my hottest photos. I did the MAGA pout even if I can’t afford the face yet. He told me this was a restaurant.

Then the guy I assumed was the maître d’ hands me a page of notes and shows me to my table, and it’s a podium in front of a bunch of journalists asking questions about the president? And the zinfandel I ordered is nowhere?

Instead of my pre-prepared remarks about my marriage basically being over and my erotic fetish being tech billionaires encouraging the world to slide into fascism – sexy talk – I had to improvise. Gave some blather about Trump rallies being attended by 100 million.

They asked about my law degree, which I’d expected, so I stonewalled about it being from China because they can’t check that, right? Who speaks Chinese except degenerates?

The question about some ambassador I dodged by saying she was brilliant and wonderful and a team player and that’s why she was asked to resign, adapting what I’d planned to say about my husband on the fly. Got away with it.

And I fielded an awkward question about my four kids – tech guys don’t like a used vagina, they always want boxfresh – with meaningless bullshit about how family friendly Trump is, which is true until ICE deports or shoots your dad. Which I approve of. Obviously.

Anyway, I’ve got the job until at least Friday! I asked about sex. Apparently not directly but I do get to f**k over the whole world before it ghosts me. Not bad for a first date.

Russia

Has massive slush funds controlled by the state which are directed to its pet political causes. Favours the break-up of the EU, the end of NATO, the rise of right-wing fascism and Chelsea FC. But surely would never dare interfere with Western countries, apart from the polonium business and that Novichok nonsense.

Trump

Known to like money and not be good at business. Hates China, hates the EU, has threatened to leave NATO, never says a bad word about Putin. Was once friends with Nigel Farage, though no way does he remember what Brexit was. Very keen on cryptocurrency, coincidentally a secret way of receiving payments across borders.

Farage

Brought us Brexit. Was a big fan of Trump but now doesn’t talk about him. Doesn’t like to talk about Putin either. Hates China, hates the EU, lavishly funded by cryptocurrency billionaires. Had left politics until he received a £5m payment of unspecified gratitude. But as a patriot, surely would never be influenced by a foreign power? Except the US.

Brexit

Weakened the EU, weakened NATO, weakened Britain. Championed by Boris Johnson, who shortly after entering Downing Street made a newspaper proprietor Lord Lebedev of Siberia. According to our new prime minister there was Russian interference in the Brexit vote, but why? What reason could there possibly be?

Absolutely massive amounts of money

Strangely, the one linking element between all the entities above. Russia has money, cryptocurrency billionaires have untraceable money, Trump loves money, Farage loves money, Johnson loves money and unprotected sex, Britain now doesn’t have any money. Still, we should be careful not to draw conclusions based on copious evidence.

You, being f**ked over by bastards

The ordinary working Briton, American and even Russian has suffered a rough couple of decades. The credit crunch, austerity, Brexit, lying politicians and having no money to buy anything are all key issues. But none of that is connected to any of the above, all of which are completely unconnected to each other. It’s a mystery.

Denys Finch Hatton, cartographer: “He’s already stopped every war except Ukraine, Iran, Sudan and the new Sky One series War starring Dominic West and Sienna Miller. So maybe that last one?”

Sophie Rodriguez, collar starcher: “End World War Two before it happens. Baby Hitler’s waiting, Donald.”

Grace Wood-Morris, turf trader: “I mean Edwin Starr never won it in 1970 despite comprehensively deconstructing the entire concept of warfare, so these Swedes are habitually unjust.”

Norman Steele, chiropractor: “As Vegetius said, if you want peace, prepare for war. A massive troop build-up on the Canadian border should do the trick.”

Julian Cook, junior diplomat: “He should find whoever won it and swap his Fifa Peace Prize for it. After all that’s one of a kind, there’ll never be another.”

Testosterone-crazed US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who has never been in a fight, announced yesterday that the execution of mass-shooter Nidal Hasan by firing squad will be available for public viewing and this time they will not screw it up.

Texan death enthusiast Royton Hobbs said: “The US used to lead the world in executions, until Biden. But now, under Trump, we’re going to see a man die right here on my phone.

“The fake news networks may not broadcast it because they’re afraid of real entertainment but the whole country’s watching this guy die and won’t be no getting up and walking away from bullets.

“Okay, it didn’t work with the other lady, there’s no hiding from that. She survived not one but two lethal injections so now she’s in credit and can commit a second murder free.

“But this is Pete Hegseth we’re talking about! The guy behind our incredible success in Iran! No way he’ll mess it up by getting blind drunk, demanding to do the shooting himself, missing and killing the cameraman.”

Liberal New Yorker Donna Sheridan said: “I am predictably shocked and outraged etcetera, but it won’t happen. This is America. When we livestream executions they’ll be pay-per-view.”

Anthony Albanese, Australia

You can’t top Oz when it comes to exotic animals, mate. We’ll give him a numbat, a duck-billed platypus, a Tasmanian devil, a breeding population of chlamydia-infected koalas, a couple of cassowaries, a dropbear and a genuine boxing kangaroo that hops around and beats shit out of people. All on the condition he leaves us the f**k alone.

Vladimir Putin, Russia

F**k animals. I will give him what any dictator truly craves: territory. Ukraine is part of Russia obviously, nobody disputes that, but once it has been reunited with the motherland my forces will march on and when we conquer the EU we shall award him whichever countries he should choose. We just need to get past this bit we’re stuck in. Any day now.

Kim Jong-un, North Korea

From one lonely leader to another, I shall give the gift of friendship. Understanding. The empathy of another man who has hit the peak, who has climbed higher than lesser men ever could, and still craves the world’s respect. We will hold hands.

Lee Jae Myung, South Korea

Typically cheap gift. If what Trump truly desires is exotic pets, we shall give him the most exotic of all: his own K-pop band. Called QEEDTH, they will comprise four boys and five girls raised in complete isolation from all human contact, trained to perform sterile hip hop in a foreign language and never to make eye contact.

Andy Burnham, UK

Britain doesn’t have any exotic animals because it is at heart a deeply boring country. But we do have music, so I’ve given him Adele, Morrissey, Robbie Williams, Ian Astbury and Matthew Murphy, lead singer of The Wombats. Hopefully he won’t realise they all already live in LA so I’ve put a big shiny ribbon on f**k all.

Javier Milei, Argentina

I give him penguins – Gentoo, Magellanic, Rockhopper and King varieties – the steamer duck, the Cobb’s wren, and many, many sheep. And I also give him the territory these animals live upon, Las Malvinas or as you call it, the Falkland Islands. Try getting that back off him, Britain.

The separatist Oxfordshire village of 350 residents will be handed over to the East African country in exchange for Britain taking sole ownership of Chagos, its military base and its territorial waters.

Foreign secretary Ed Miliband said: “I hate to admit it, Piddington, but you’ve won. Your secession was a total success.

“No longer will you labour under the yoke of Britain, instead being ruled by the kind, beneficent Mauritian government headed by Navin Rangoolam who has big plans for your village, namely some manner of export centre.

“From now on, asylum seekers landing on British shores will not be your problem. You’ve fixed that with your principled vote you insisted wasn’t in the least racist, a principle you now have ample opportunity to be tested on.

“And the Chagos Islands will remain as British as a Union Jack bowler hat on a bulldog smoking a cigar and drinking a pint. It’s win-win.”

He added: “We’ve sent a team out to secure our border with you as we speak. It will be very, very secure.”

In any other circumstances than the president being a gaga eejit with no idea what he is even saying as it dribbles out of his mendacious mouth, the statement would have caused a major diplomatic row and significant unrest.

Taioseach Micheál Martin said: “Even the paramilitaries are calling bullshit on this one.

“Imagine if a proper president had said it. It would spark sectarian violence, angry disavowals from politicians, Andy Burnham desperately trying to calm things down. I mean, Belfast. It’s any excuse to throw a petrol bomb up there.

“But thankfully both sides were able to take into account this was nothing more than the ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly and of no more import than a drunk mumbling in the corner of a Doonbeg bar.”

Emma Little-Pengelly of the DUP said: “And the way he said it? ‘One of the naturals of all time is to put them together’? Are we sure he wasn’t thinking of Sydney Sweeney’s diddies?”

8.30am

I was in my golden office in Trump Tower, the third tallest building in Manhattan, making deals. The greatest deals, just beautiful deals. What a day that was for deals.

8.44am

The first plane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. The official reports say it was 8.46am, but I actually saw it before anyone else.

8.46am

By the time those in the tower – and these were the best people, superb businessmen, I knew one and his wife liked to have sex with him – realised the plane had hit I was already on to the CIA. ‘This is Osama Bin Laden,’ I told them. ‘I warned you he was going to do this. And there’s a second plane coming at 9.03am.’

9.03am

Trump proved right again.

9.22am

Using a powerful telescope, actually a gift to me from Galileo, I look over at New Jersey where thousands of Muslims, all the Muslims, are celebrating. ‘Disgusting,’ I murmur.

9.37am

A plane crashes into the Pentagon. I put in a call to the Department of Defense with my bid for the reconstruction contract. They’re so unprofessional they never call back.

9.57am

Arrive at the WTC using the secret entrance from my office to pop up in a phone box just outside, just like I did in Gremlins 2: The New Batch. Terrific movie, biggest box office hit of 1990, but nobody ever gives Trump credit.

9.58am

South Tower collapses. Trump Tower is now the second tallest building in downtown Manhattan.

10.03am

Flight 93 crashes in Pennsylvania. [shrugs]

10.10am

Realise the North Tower is going to collapse well before the firefighters, they’re good people but have no background in construction, and rush in to save as many people as I can. Two firemen stop me and carry me out. They have blood on their hands.

10.21am

Do some clean-up, while I’m here. Shift approximately 18 tonnes of rubble with my bare hands, then leave my people to do the rest while reminding them to credit me in the media.

10.28am

Trump Tower becomes the tallest building in downtown Manhattan.

12.30pm

Meet Wilbur Ross and Michael Bloomberg for lunch at Le Bernardin to discuss events and decide how much compensation we’ll put in for. A hundred grand seems fair.

Transylvania, Louisiana

Republicans never tire of anti-trans bigotry, and in Trump’s curdled brain this is a place where all residents are forced to be transgender. Pity the poor residents who will soon have to write, type and say their town’s new name ‘Normalheterosexualmenandwomenville.’

New York 

Trump was born in New York, it’s where he built his badly-managed business empire and cheated on his wives, so he must be tempted to name it after himself. However there’s already a Trump, Maryland, and ‘Trump City’ sounds strangely unimpressive. ‘Trumpopolis’, however, is very much on the cards.

The Barack Obama Presidential Center

The crosshairs are already on this building, with Trump currently planning his own monstrous presidential library to compete. Will being privately owned by the Obama Foundation stop it being renamed ‘The Low-IQ Muslim Obama From Kenya Center’? Or will that be the name of the street it’s on?

The United Kingdom

Trump is still miffed that Britain didn’t excitedly join his expensive, unwinnable, asymmetric war. Obviously he has no jurisdiction over the UK, but his nauseating sycophants would happily change US maps. ‘The United KingDUMB’, written like that, is the obvious choice.

Turbine, Ontario

Trump never lets a weird obsession fade and he hates wind turbines because they kill millions of birds, or rather because liberals like them and he’s stupid. Is it demented to try to rename places in other countries? Yes. So it will be renamed Oiltown, USA.

Epstein Island

Little Saint James in the US Virgin Islands is a permanent reminder of the sex crimes that could finish Trump, as opposed to the ones we already know about. How he would change a universally recognised nickname is unclear. Perhaps he could rename Rhode Island ‘Epstein Island’? It’s a liberal state so it deserves it.

The Lincoln Memorial

Abraham Lincoln is generally considered the greatest president for ending slavery and preserving the union. This is undoubtedly a daily source of extreme jealousy for Trump, so a renaming is in order: The Trump Memorial Of Confederate Heroes.

The Grand Canyon 

The incredibly famous Grand Canyon deserves the honour of becoming Trump Canyon. Unfortunately one body part in particular resembles a canyon, and it’s a part of Trump’s body nobody likes to think about. Though many are forced to by the stench.

Following the victory for Alternative for Germany in regional elections, the rest of Europe is sighing and wondering why it always has to be bloody Krauts voting in a new era for fascism.

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “I know history repeats itself, but this is like daytime ITV4 levels of repetition. I mean, again?

“We had World War One. That was called The War To End All Wars until, just 21 short years later, the Germans decided they’d have another f**king go.

“Following a decisive defeat – Hitler dead, all other senior Nazis dead, the country ruined and Russia keeping their bit – it seemed they’d realised ethnofascism didn’t pay off long-term. But here we are, 80 years on, and we’re back where we started with these dicks.

“What next? Reichstag fire? Banning rival parties? Rapidly militarising society while demonising ethnic groups? Invading neighbours after signing a pact with Russia? Reneging on pact and invading Russia? Seen it, seen it, boring.”

Dieter Grofmeier of Magdeburg said: “We’re German, okay? We’re not that imaginative. Besides, we have learned. Our leader this time will have a normal haircut and two testicles.”

The South Atlantic islands are shrouded in perpetual rain, battered by wind, have no outstanding geographical features and are cold all year round, but are claimed by Argentina as sovereign territory presumably because they have never been there.

Foreign secretary Ed Miliband said: “They’re the size of Northern Ireland but only three-and-a-half thousand people live there. Yeah. They’re that much less appealing than Northern Ireland.

“Sheep thrive, penguins love it, but humans? Not so popular with them. These are rocks so bleak trees barely grow on them. The only settlers were Scots who found their home country too convivial for their liking.

“If India was the jewel in the crown of the British Empire, the Falklands were a stray vajazzle that caused an ingrown hair. 

“Seriously, the only reason we’ve held on to them is they’re such a wet, cold, wretched place to eke out a miserable existence that they’re unmistakably British.

“Why not just enjoy the sunshine, the beaches, and the football prowess of Argentina and forget the Falklands? What’s that? Your economy’s f**ked and you need something to divert voters? Understandable. Britain did much the same back in 1982.”