How is Trump planning to be a dick in the UK?

IT’S rare for Donald Trump to go anywhere without being a dick in some way, so what has he got planned for his stay in Britain? Here is his ‘being a dick’ itinerary.

Today

11am. Meeting with Theresa May at Chequers

Topics to include security, the Middle East and UK-US trade. Trump will take an old copy of Hustler and his only contribution will be to show people porn stars he banged in the 1980s.

2pm. Crazy announcement out of the blue

Completely contrary to the spirit of cooperation, Trump will suddenly announce some horrifically anti-UK policy like demanding his new bud Kim Jong-un is allowed to use Kent as a ‘missile testing zone’.

3pm. Meet Queen

Trump to rapidly lose interest when he realises the Queen is not hottie Claire Foy from TV series The Crown. Plans to grab Queen’s ‘pussy’ abandoned.

4pm. Completely incomprehensible speech

Sample: “England, America, yeah. I was at a cocktail party in Manhattan. Great, great party. Franny Humpenfinkel was there. Owns 22 stud farms. Bigly good guy. But the point is – Hillary is a liar. A liar and a murderer. That’s it. No more questions.”

Saturday

10am. Meet with senior UK politicians and diplomats and blank them

Trump to sit there rudely ignoring everyone like a vile, petulant child. He will also spend most of his time tweeting rubbish like “US border control tell me they got dogs can sniff out RAPISTS!!! America comin for ya, Sanchez the rapist!!!”.

5pm. Feeble attempt to laugh off protesters

After a huge blimp with the words ‘DONALD IS A THICK FASCIST SCUMBAG AND SHIT AT BUSINESS, ACTUALLY’ on the side drifts over London, Trump claims he could “kick those guys’ asses”, despite being 72 and terrified of his hair falling off.

11pm. Romantic time with Melania

Finally a chance for the couple to relax and watch some TV in hotel rooms 150 metres apart.

Sunday

9am. Golf in Scotland

Harmless photo opportunity and quite jolly until Trump goes off on a tangent and threatens to nuke Belgium, for reasons known only unto himself.

12pm. Departure  

Spontaneous parties break out in the streets of Britain as Trump flies off to be a dick elsewhere.