Obama To Meet Bulgarian Deputy Sports Minister

PRESIDENT Obama has cleared his schedule for a high level meeting with Bulgaria's deputy minister for sport

Mr Obama will meet Ivan Lekov at the United Nations later today to discuss Bulgaria's drive to improve table tennis facilities for the under 14s.

It is only the eighth time the two men have met, with the White House stressing it wanted to work with the Bulgarian department of sport to ensure there was a new, or nearly new, ping-pong table in every village within five years.

The meeting will also cover Bulgaria's bid to host the 2012 World Archery Championships and a joint project to develop a lighter and more environmentally friendly snooker cue.

A White House spokesman said: "We didn't know Mr Lekov was going to be in New York this week, so when the President bumped into him in the foyer we quickly threw something together. We're determined to pin down this ping-pong deal before the end of the year."

Following his meeting with Mr Lekov, President Obama is due to eat some chocolate biscuits, blow his nose, do a spot of light yawning and stare out the window for at least an hour while whistling aimlessly.

The spokesman added: "And that's why he doesn't have time to meet Gordon Brown."

Meanwhile Mr Brown last night attempted to sneak into Mr Obama's suite at the Plaza Hotel dressed as a Swedish massage therapist, but was easily spotted by Secret Service agents.

As he was dragged away and his blonde wig fell to the floor, Mr Brown shouted: "But I'm the World Statesman of the Year!

"ASK BONO!"

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Princes' Charity Work To Distract You From All The Dicking About

PRINCES William and Harry are to give a higher profile to their charity work as they continue to have a thoroughly splendid time with lots of your money.

The princes have launched a PR blitz to highlight the amount of time they are now able to devote to caring about a carefully selected list of terribly sad things.

Officials say Prince William's work with homeless people in London is becoming increasingly important as it gives him something to point to the next time he uses an RAF helicopter to play mid-air polo with a giant balloon.

Prince Harry, meanwhile, is to link the amount of time he spends having his photograph taken with poor people to the amount of time he spends having his photograph taken outside Fulham Road nightclubs with his entourage of hilarious schoolchums.

A Clarence House spokesman said: "The next time you see a shit-faced Prince Harry being poured into the back of an armoured Range Rover it'll be because he's so tired after all the caring and helping.

"And Prince William and Kate Middleton's next holiday in Mustique will include a 20 minute discussion about how her parent's party hat business can be used to fight AIDS, before they get back to some serious snorkelling."

He added: "Homeless people and poverty stricken Africans lead terribly drab, boring lives. This is why it is vital the Princes go skiing eight times a year so they can come back and cheer them up with amazing stories of the international jet-set.

"You should see the look of wonder on their little faces as their Royal Highnesses describe the champagne fountains, the paddling pools filled with caviar and the long line of surgically-enhanced Eurotrash skanks who are just desperate to ride them all night long."