International

Daily Mail ordered to pay damages to anyone who has ever read it

THE Daily Mail has been ordered to pay damages to readers for exposing them to decades of demented tripe.

Ryanair passenger hopeful he might get aggressively dragged off

A CRAMPED, overheating man would not mind being forcibly bundled off his Ryanair flight.

Humanity a bit concerned that its leaders are completely insane

THE human race has expressed concern that everyone in charge appears to be utterly demented.

Trump and Putin have first marital row

DONALD Trump and Vladimir Putin have had the first nasty row of their until-now harmonious relationship.

7,000 miles to meet a f**king idiot, thinks Chinese premier

CHINA'S leader has been reflecting on why he must travel so far to meet a moron.

This is the only real home I've ever known, tearful Farage tells EU parliament

A SOBBING Nigel Farage has told his fellow MEPs that they are his truest friends and leaving them will be the greatest sorrow of his life.

Gibraltar monkey feels more European

A MEMBER of Gibraltar’s monkey population feels more European than British, he has confirmed.

Logical next step for Britain is series of colonial conquests

THE best way to make Britain great again is to invade resource-rich territories and enslave their people, Boris Johnson has claimed.

You could have just emailed, says EU

EU LEADERS are puzzled about why Britain wrote them a letter in the age of electronic communication.

People indifferent to important things passionately defend leggings

PEOPLE who are generally not that engaged with world events have stepped up to defend stretchy jogging bottoms.

But this is a MacBook, says air passenger

A PASSENGER on a Jeddah-London flight has explained that while laptops may be banned he has a MacBook, which is different.

He spouts exactly the same bollocks in private, GCHQ confirms

GCHQ HAS confirmed that Donald Trump’s private communications are nothing but the same meaningless bollocks he says in public.