THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today.
BILLIONS of humans have reassured Donald Trump that it’s fine if he wants to change his mind about becoming president.
A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today.
BARACK Obama is president of the world’s most powerful country, it has been confirmed.
BRITONS are being flown home from a Gambia teetering on the edge of war to Britain, which is marginally more stable for the time being.
INTERNATIONAL investors have demanded that when Britain becomes a tax haven it must slim down to just London.
MICHAEL Gove is hoping Donald Trump will hire him as his 'bumbling British butler' when he becomes president, it has emerged.
THE mutant guitarist from Mad Max: Fury Road has become the latest musician to reject an offer to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration.
DONALD Trump has used his Twitter account to threaten a nuclear first strike on Iran and to promote the rich, smooth taste of Bud Ice.
DONALD Trump has eased the world's nerves with a waffling speech like a man who'd just been hit with a spanner.
SEX claims against Donald Trump are ‘lightweight’ and do not even involve a farm animal, according to Britons.
PRESIDENT-ELECT Trump has placated critics by replacing son-in-law Jared Kushner as senior adviser with his 10-year-old son, Barron Trump.